well things seem to be humming along nicely here.

eating well has been fun and beneficial. I forgot how much fun it can be to count calories. 680 calories in a Whopper? gross!! I can't remember why I'd looked that up, but in just one sandwich would be the number of calories I now eat for supper. anyway, today is day 4 and I feel fantastic. today at work someone gave me two doughnuts as a gift. I gave them away - whee! I wasn't even tempted.

this makes me feel strong. it makes me feel like I've taken back yet again a little more control over my life.

I talked to my mom tonight on the phone. it was nice. I love my parents so much! I'm hoping to meet up with them camping in August, and I am also planning to go visit them in late September. I haven't been to see them at their place in ages. they've been coming my direction a lot in the past year, which has been awesome! they were here in February, before that in December, and before that in late August. previous to that I'm not too sure -- that gets into where my memory is fuzzy. I sure wish they didn't live 8 hours away. I miss the days when it was only 3.5 hours and I could drive to their place after work on Fridays, and come back after supper on Sundays.

my roommate is moving out for September 1st, unless I can encourage (convince) him to move out sooner. I love the roommate, but hate his dog. well, I don't hate her, but she's a puppy. a very large, energetic puppy that has no manners. he doesn't exercise her and I've never seen him try to teach her anything. the day she chewed up my brand new cleats I told him I'd had it; find a solution to her chewing. he's chosen to leave. this frustrates me because he is actually an excellent roommate. plus, poor dog. she isn't dying from lack of exercise, but she clearly needs far more than she's getting. we discussed the exercise issue on three occasions, but he doesn't seem to believe me.

I'll definitely live alone for a while. I'm looking forward to having my space back, and to having my spare room be a spare room again. at least the rent he's paid me has covered the renovations I did to create the room. and, I also know I definitely don't want a dog bigger than Katie, or younger than her, or one that sheds, in my house again. lessons learned.

ooh, and when he moves out I'll have an excuse to have a party! ooooooh, okay now I'm really excited!

frisbee was cancelled tonight, which was good and bad. good because I had lots of stuff to do and I was feeling rushed, but bad because next week's game is off because most of our team will be out of town and missing two weeks in a row sucks. and, I also didn't really get much done tonight either so I didn't really benefit. ah well, I watched a couple of episodes of LA Ink, worked out with some dumbbells while I did that (which I might add is the first time I've ever done that!), worked on putting together a gift for the wedding shower I'm attending on Saturday, and then I talked to my mom as I mentioned. I wish I'd remembered to do a few more things while watching tv, though. that first hour was a total write off.

watching LA Ink got me thinking about my tattoo again. I did some googling and I think I've figured out the style of the book I want on my right wrist. maybe next week I'll take a lunch break and go down to the shop I've chosen.

I have an optometrist appointment tomorrow. I went last week because I was having problems with my eyes. I was waking up with mega-crusties. yup, infection! I've been on antibiotic drops for a week. the doctor was super nice and really glad I'd gone in as soon as I did. if I'd left it longer it would have become a five month ordeal, not a (hopefully) three week thing. best part -- the appointment was free! I expected it to be like a normal checkup and have to pay $80.

I haven't meditated this week so I'd better get on that and head to bed. I've been woken up the past two nights by needy dogs (Katie puked at 4 a.m. two nights ago; last night Nora decided to cry incessantly at 5), but the meditation should help me get really relaxed before I snooze. considering how tired I've been, it's been taking me far too long to fall asleep.

the other night I was up late because I was reading all of the stuff I wrote starting back in October when I was first learning about mindfulness. it was good to remind myself of the lessons I was learning back then; I'd forgotten some of them. tonight I thought I'd finish this post with a nice quote, so I did the el google thing and I found one from John Kabat-Zinn. we read a lot of articles from him in my meditation class. and, turns out I came to a similar conclusion in one of my posts -- but I'm too tired to bother finding it. anyway, here goes:

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

(it's taken me 31 years to learn that lesson, and I'm still not sure I totally have it. I'm getting better, though, that's for sure.)

I didn't even think to refuse the bottle of organic soda at my book club tonight, so there was 140 extra calories. and that wasn't so bad until she pulled out the homemade ice cream cake! I'm sure that was 600 right there, what with the peanuts and chocolate coating. I really thought hard about refusing, but she made it! and last time she hosted book club she didn't have time to make anything and bought cake instead. and it's terribly disappointing when you go through the effort of making something special and people refuse it.

and also, it looked delicious! and it was.

tomorrow. tomorrow I'll start again. and hey, all things considered I ate no worse, and probably quite a lot better, than I did yesterday and all of last week.

Friday Guy contacted me on MSN tonight. heart = race! but, we kind of accidentally got into serious stuff. and not serious bad, but serious. unprovoked, he said he thinks that right now he's where I was at last year. well, I knew that. he is so unhappy right now. I feel so sad for him, and not because he is Cute Boy I Like, but because he is A Human That Deserves Happiness. I said last year the last thing I wanted was to be ditched. he said all he wants is space and time, and that it is to be noted that space and time does not equal ditched.

so, that's pretty well that I guess. I will make myself crazy if I think about him romantically, so I am going to have a bit of a cry, go to bed, and let it go for now. we are just friends. maybe with potential, but there's nothing I can do about it. sigh.

it's not like I'll never see him again. and if he ever gets back to his renovations, I'll be helping. and if we get a chance next time to talk about meditation again, I will. and maybe I might even start actually talking through some of the things that we did in class, to get him started. he was very interested when we talked on the phone a few weeks ago.

but for now he's a sad friend and that is that. boo-urns.

I told you I was serious about changing my habits.

this morning I walked Katie and it was fun! want to know the quickest way to wake up a dog? say to her gently "want to go for a walk?" she hopped up all wiggly and happy -- so cute!

our walk was so fun. we stopped by to say hi to Spider, the giant black german shepherd that lives across the street. we also met a new dog in the neighbourhood -- I've seen him around but hadn't caught him in his backyard before. we even ran into the old guy that always says stuff to his little black dog like "oh don't bark at those two! that dog looks so nice, and look at that good-lookin girl with him." haha! I kind of hate that guy, but kind of like him. he always stops me for chats if he's in his yard and sometimes it's tough to get away. funny, though.

I had a reasonable breakfast this morning; 1 cup of cereal and a little more than half a cup of milk. last week I had hot dogs for breakfast most days -- vast improvement! then I made a somewhat weird lunch, based on the fact that I don't have much for fresh vegetables in my fridge. I had a peanut butter and apple sandwich plus three radishes on the side. it was totally delicious and I was full most of the afternoon. I don't have any granola bars right now, so I had an apple cinnamon and cream fruit cup for each of my morning and afternoon snacks.

supper tonight was 3 chicken fingers, 4 mini potatoes, a bit of butter on the potatoes, salsa over both the potatoes and the chicken, plus green beans seasoned with Montreal Steak Spice. it's one of my favourite suppers ever, and really reasonable in terms of calories. and, it's a totally full plate of food.

oh by the way, my eating is based on a plan I got from Gold's Gym three years ago. I used that plan to lose 35 pounds, which was exactly my goal. it has a combination of food group servings and calories and it's super easy to follow. the simplest way to describe it is that it's about 1750 calories a day.

I have my book club meeting tonight and they always involve snacks, but I'll try to be good. depending on who is hosting the snacks can range from fresh veggies to decadent cakes. and since it's summer we'll likely have cold drinks (which tend to be full of calories) rather than herbal tea, so that will also be tough.

I may be going for drinks with a CouchSurfer on Tuesday night, but I've decided to pitch going to a pub where I know they'll serve and refill a coffee (some are good, some treat you like crap if you don't order booze). I could also just get a pint of diet Coke, but I hate relying on aspartame.

my social life is going to make losing weight this time more difficult than the weight I lost last time. but, I only have maybe 20 pounds to lose, not 35. and, I'm definitely happy with an initial 10 to begin. losing 10 pounds, if I'm dedicated, should take me about 6 weeks. in about a month is Connect, a festival, and I admit I will wholeheartedly fall off the healthier living wagon that weekend. and a week later is the Folk Fest, which doesn't include much drinking but does include much consumption of delicious food like curries and chocolate-dipped frozen bananas. if I can get a good start now, though, hopefully I won't get sidetracked for too long.

I lost 4 pounds in the first 2 weeks of January by being better about what I eat. then it was my birthday and I celebrated with both food and drink a couple of times. then I was sick with a raging cold, which made me not want to worry about calories. and after 2 or so weeks of being off the wagon, I found it really difficult to get back on. I am hoping this time it won't be quite so daunting.

anyway, today is Day 1 and it has been a good start so far!

I've also made another big decision, but I'm not sure how deadly serious I am. I think I'm reasonably serious. we'll see.

several weeks ago I decided to give my current city 2 more years. if I am still single in 2 years, I will start looking elsewhere for work.

I've been single for just about 3 years now, and I think 5 is about as many single years as I can handle. sure, for the first 2 and a bit years I was really struggling with huge, massive things and I'm only now out of that fog. so, fair enough I didn't find someone. I wouldn't have agreed then, but I see it now.

but, this is a young-marrying town. in a couple of years I'll be 33. there are so few single guys my age right now -- can you imagine how few there will be when I'm 33? and those guys will all be divorced and bitter and angry and the last thing they'll want is marriage and kids. I don't know how much I care about the marriage part anymore (seems like a bit of a sham to me), but the kids thing is huge.

I think if I'm still single when I'm 33, I'll go somewhere that people aren't marrying at 25 and 27. somewhere like perhaps Halifax. I am not interested in Vancouver at all actually. or Toronto, although Toronto grabs me a bit more for some stupid reason. mostly the lure of cheap flights from Toronto to other places, and the proximity to several awesome friends. I won't go to Montreal since my ex is there and I was never all that comfortable there anyway somehow.

I love this city so I'm not sure how serious I am. but, I feel like if I give this place 2 good years then what else can I do? wouldn't it make sense to go somewhere that the odds are in my favour?

if it weren't for the fact that Scotland is so far away and I'd have to figure out what do with my car (sell it?) and my dog (I hate the idea of flying her anywhere), Edinburgh would clearly be my first choice.

ah well, maybe in 2 years Danny from Scotland will be single again and I can fly him here and see what happens. and in the meantime there is Friday Guy, although there is something in the universe that has declared we are not getting together for real any time soon. I offered to help with his renovations so I could hang out with him, but he isn't doing any this weekend because his grandfather had a stroke. obviously I feel bad for Friday Guy and his family and that is my first concern, but seriously -- it's probably going to be six stupid weeks before I see him again. and in seven weeks school starts. sigh. I'm so sad for him that he just keeps getting slammed again and again by life, and sad for us and whatever potential we might have. and I'm also worried that I'll push too hard, or not push hard enough, and so I'm feeling kind of helpless about it. but, I digress.

my favourite lyric from a local band goes, "it's fashionable to be single in big cities but not in small towns." so true. I live in small city, not a small town, but the mindset is still the same. I'm as guilty as anyone for buying into it, but I never expected to find myself divorced at 31.

this post is rambling but I am choosing to leave it as is. I'd like to meditate before bed and I'm running out of time this evening to do so. not meditating would make me more sad than a poorly thought out post!

I have decided to get deadly serious about losing some weight.

one of my favourite dresses doesn't fit anymore! the cute yellow daisy one I bought in England last year is now only wearable if I cover it with a sweater. I also don't really fit my jeans that well, or my capri jeans, and some tshirts are now difficult to wear because of my jiggly belly fat.

I've also been struggling with both soccer and ultimate frisbee. we've been really short of girls so I've been playing very long shifts. and not just long shifts, but entire games!! it would be so much easier to run for 75 minutes if I wasn't carrying 10 - 15 extra pounds of fat on me.

I also drank beer on both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend. and was mopey and slightly hungover on Saturday and Sunday. it sucked. I cried most of this afternoon because I was sad about being alone, and I know it had far more to do with the depressive effects of beer than it does with my actual situation.

my actual situation is this: I have a really cool job, a cute house, a devoted and fairly well-behaved dog, a car that is paid off, and friends that love me. on Saturday two of my friends stood up for me in an obvious (but not aggressive) way and I felt for the first time that My Friends Have My Back. I have known it for a while of course, but the gesture was huge and wonderful and perfectly timed.

so, no more unnecessary alcohol. no glass of wine at dinner. no beer after yardwork. just water and lots of it. I will still likely drink at giant parties, but I dunno maybe not. I'm going to a huge one on Saturday (performances! by awesome kids!) and I may just prefer to remain totally sober.

without alcohol I won't want big greasy breakfasts the morning after. cutting out booze and those breakfasts will go a long way towards losing some weight.

I also need to start planning my lunches better. and my dinners. I need to create a routine again, not just for weight loss but for my own sanity. groceries on Sunday afternoons to restock with fresh vegetables for the week! I miss that. and groceries on a regular basis will mean I won't mope around not wanting what's in my fridge, getting hungrier and grumpier.

I also need a cleaning routine. and a dog-walking routine. and meditation. these things all contribute to my happiness, and so does more consistency in general.

I am so busy these days with book club, soccer, ultimate frisbee, and festivals that I really need to plan my time better to get everything done.

so, for real this time -- I am going to be nicer to myself and lose that weight and stop moping about all "fat and lonely". ridiculous.

this year I'm going to celebrate Canada Day in the following ways:

- sleep in (done!)
- have a doughnut and coffee for breakfast (done!)
- do my taxes (ugh, I know, but it will feel good to finish. I'm getting mean letters from CRA!)
- get groceries
- take Katie for a long walk
- find some friends to hang out with
- watch fireworks

I began my Canada Day by making out with Friday Guy until 1am this morning, so it's already off to a fantastic start! we had our sushi dinner and it was delicious and we laughed a lot. then we went back to his place so he could change out of his workstuff and we just sat around and talked for hours. it was really fun, and when we kind of ran out of stuff to talk about, he suggested we cuddle. and so we did, and we talked and cuddled. it was without a doubt the best cuddle that I have had since the early part of when my ex and I started dating. we cuddled, we talked, we threatened to tickle each other, we tackled each other and lay in funny positions.... it was just really cute and comfortable and fun! eventually we started kissing and that was also fun!

last night he mentioned he doesn't want a girlfriend. I pointed out we hardly really know each other. I also asked him to not assume he knows what I want or what I am thinking. I also asked him to not try to push me away in the future because he thinks he knows what I want. I think I made my point. I am proud of the clarity I had in explaining myself last night! I am also really happy about the clarity I have in general about this, and about him.

he has one more year of his masters degree left and he works full time. he said last year at one point he didn't shower for four days because he figured it would save him some time. I realize we're in kind of a stupid position right now. but, we also have an entire summer to get to know each other and at least have fun before any big decisions are made. and I'm a one month wonder with boys anyway -- chances are we'll fizzle by summer's end and that's that. and if things don't fizzle by summer's end, well I guess we can deal with that then. not ideal, and I'm sure I'll get grumpy about this at some point, but last night was really amazing! I'm going to bask in the glow for now.

today is also my seventh wedding anniversary. or, well it would have been if we hadn't broken up three years ago. I have always found this to be a funny day. we picked Canada Day because we were in Scotland and it was nice to have a Canada connection (and we couldn't get into the registrar's office for solstice). it was always fun to have a big celebration on our day. and now it's not our day anymore and I still celebrate! it genuinely is a funny, funny day for me. funny as in haha. I have always loved Canada Day, and I'm glad I still do. we were in love that day and I see no reason to get mopey about it.

today on Twitter I whined that I miss working downtown because of the sushi. tonight, Friday Guy asks me if I would like to have sushi with him tomorrow for dinner. YES and YES! so awesome.

I am beyond excited! sushi! and a cute, smart, flirty boy!

and I'm up far too late so I have to go to bed so goodnight!

(please send good thoughts my way tomorrow night! I'd appreciate them.)

I'm over moping for now.

this morning I decided that I'm going to stop being excited about the next time I see Friday Guy (and ultimately disappointed, because he's busy this weekend so it looks like I might see him Tuesday), and I'm going to just be excited when and if I do see him.

I also saw on Facebook a really awesome lady inviting people to go to her house for swimming on Sunday, and I'm so up for that! and it spurred me on to invite another awesome lady to chase boys on Friday, and she's up for that! and I finally relented and agreed to go to a bbq that may have single and eco-minded boys at it on Saturday, and hopefully that will be good too!

so, screw Friday Guy for now. I like him and he likes me but our schedules are ridiculous. I am tired of the agony of when when when.

I am easily encouraged and easily discouraged. it's been true all my life.

ha -- I just saw the strangest commercial! it's for Inches-A-Weigh, a local weight loss centre. a trim-looking woman says to the camera, "I got whistled at by a construction worker the other day for the first time since college, and I liked it!" and then goes on to explain how she's lost weight. woowee! I totally want that! haha. cute. maybe terrible, but local commercials are so funny sometimes.

I am having a beautiful day.

Friday Guy and I still haven't hung out. I contacted him on MSN on Sunday with no reply. I didn't contact him Monday because I don't want to pester him, but he didn't contact me either. today, Tuesday, at lunch I texted him asking him if he wants to go to the movie we talked about. tonight at 7:30 he replied saying he's booked tonight but we should make some actual plans ahead of time. I reply definitely, and say I'm busy Thursday but available Wednesday and Friday.

now I'm waiting for his reply. it's been almost an hour. obviously if he's booked he may not reply right away, so I guess I'll be patient. I think at this point now I have to wait until after he's done whatever it is he's up to, or tomorrow.

I still haven't seen him since May 15. that was over five weeks ago. and we have never, ever been able to keep a scheduled date. something either comes up on his side or mine. in all of the almost two years I've known him, we've only done stuff spontaneously.

I'm going to mow my lawn, start my new book club book, and go to bed relatively early I guess. I'm pretty tired anyway.

sigh.

I just got an email from my dad a minute ago and he got a hole in one in golf today! amazing! and I also just read a sweet email from a girl who once described me as the best boss she ever had. I even had to ask her to stop wearing short skirts to work and she still thought I was a great boss!

but still, big sigh. Katie sighed too.

I haven't meditated today and it's getting late so I'm gonna hit the sack shortly, but I just wanted to point out that meditating even once makes such a massive difference in my attitude! I've done it a couple of times lately and zing -- new me!

it's so strange, and somewhat frustrating, but at least comforting to know that a simple action like sitting still for 30 minutes just thinking about breathing can make me so happy.

I know life is beautiful. I wish a good attitude about it came naturally for me. I guess I've been through some crap, some giant crap that nobody will ever understand but me, but it still floors me how hard this has all been. at least my dad's illness no longer seems to affect me as directly anymore. I'm still overly concerned with creating stability (because you never know what's around the corner -- one day my dad was fine, the next day we were told he'd die that weekend. which he didn't, of course, but that's only slightly relevant) but I no longer get overly anxious about dad-related things. it's just this crushing loneliness business that is hard to deal with.

anyway, my friend in Halifax today randomly recommended a book called The Four Agreements, which I've just ordered online. actually I got it and two others from the same author in a box set. here are the four agreements as described by a website that talks about the book:

agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2
Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3
Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

these concepts all fit in really well with what I learned in meditation, so I'm eager to receive these books and reinforce those lessons. I need a refresher!

today I'm really happy! and I do prefer being happy! and I need to not be hard on myself and fall into the habit of being ashamed of my anger.

the weekend coming up is going to be super fun -- I'd like to maintain my good mood for that! and yesterday I finally connected with Friday Guy and we had a very wonderful talk as per agreement 3 in fact. I'm so glad he asked the questions that he did. and I'm so glad I answered honestly.

I plan to meditate on Wednesday and Thursday evenings to make sure the next few days are great. and I plan to meditate at least several times a week from now on to make sure I remain happy. and if I fall off the meditation wagon again, you all have permission to sit me down and explain to me how lost I've become again. in fact, I'd prefer it if you did. in general, if I'm screwing up I DO prefer that people point me in the right direction. just do it gently, and without irritation but with with much love, and I'll receive it with understanding, appreciation, and love -- I promise.

a year after the breakup and my dad's cancer I was in big emotional trouble, but kind of pulled myself out of that trouble briefly. a friend of mine mentioned at the time that he'd been worried about me. I said I'd been worried about me too! and I have always wished he'd known enough about me to know that while stubborn, I can listen -- you just have to tell me in the right way. like I said, without irritation and with a whole lot of love. so ya, you have permission, internet. and I've never mentioned it til now, but I always appreciated you saying that, friend, and if it turns out I need it, and you say it again sometime with love I'll listen. (but really, if I can remember to meditate, you won't need to say it. sheesh, I hope! I am tired of being a mess. it's become such a habit to complain and be grumpy, and I'm exhausted by it.)

I just read my horoscope for today:

Your heart is full of hope today because you can see very tangible examples of how things are actually getting better, but you are afraid that you lost your opportunity to receive pleasure. Fortunately, the only thing that prevents you from thoroughly enjoying the day is your own attitude. Meditating for a while or taking a walk by yourself can be enough to quiet your fearful thoughts and allow you to appreciate your blessings.

very bizarre. I don't think my heart is full of hope today at all, but despair. but I do agree that I'm afraid I've lost my opportunity to receive pleasure (specifically, Friday Guy. I haven't heard from him since I got back and it's been a couple of days. I've both emailed and texted, so now I'm stuck waiting for him to contact me). my attitude is definitely a problem; has been for a while and I haven't been able to thoroughly kick it. I both meditated and took a walk by myself (well, with Katie) today, and I do feel a little better. able to appreciate my blessings? somewhat. I'm still unsteady.

anyway, what an interesting horoscope.

sometimes I feel like I'm closer to figuring my stuff out, and then other times I feel even further away than I ever have been.

I have been quite productive around the house lately, which is good. I'm slowly plowing through all of the things on my to do list. today I got a giant new bookcase for my living room, which means I still have the other set of shelves to put stuff on too. that means I can start getting my clutter sorted out as well. I have so many piles of papers and things laying around, relatively neatly, but completely disorganized. I also have a lot of things to fix around the house and yard. stuff like I have several bicycles that need to be fixed, I have a leaky pipe in the basement -- I'm slowly getting all that stuff done too.

I had a chat with my roommate about the cleaning schedule of the backyard dog poo, and it went fine. his dog also peed on the living room floor today which of course made me super angry (she did it right in front of me), but it also spurred him on to wash the floor. I think we're working stuff like that out. earlier today, before he swept and mopped, I was thinking of asking them to leave at the end of July, but now I'll just wait. I should be more patient with Nora; she's just a puppy. and I never set out any rules for Nick, so I should be more patient with him too.

I'm also quite serious that I'd like to lose weight, eat more healthy, take up jogging again seriously, and stop drinking quite so much. I know those will make me feel much better. a lot of my self esteem issues come from my body issues. I know I'm not "fat", but I feel fat. plus I have gained weight over the past few months, so I really do have reason to be concerned about that; my clothes don't fit as well anymore. other self esteem issues arise out of what I do and say when I'm drinking full out. I'm not a quiet drunk, that's for sure.

I feel like I've got more and more of an understanding of what I need to do to feel okay about being single, and I'm for the most part doing it, but my bitterness is growing. and when it rears it's head, I am so far away from okay. I'm on a giant see-saw most days, most weeks. I'm no longer actually depressed and I was really looking forward to greeting the summer with my new attitude. but, it's been a total bust in terms of boys. I got more action when I was crazy -- what kind of statement is that? it scares me. I feel like I'm making real progress in so many areas, and yet I feel like almost 3 years of singlehood is really damaging me.

I think I've come a really long way since this whole crazy part of my life began. I need to remind myself of that. I have been through a lot: in the past three years I've gone through a divorce, watched my dad survive a stem cell transplant and beat cancer, and watched a close friend deal with the aftermath of jumping out of a burning house and breaking her back and losing her pets.

and I've learned so much from all of that, like what forgiveness really means. and I know my family much better, and I know myself better because of that. and I know what depression is like and I have much more compassion for people struggling with it.

I'm headed in a better direction than I ever have been before. if I could only learn how to deal with the loneliness, and deal with the idea that having kids is still far away for me, I'd be in a pretty good spot right now.

I never expected that being an adult would be so hard. I really had no idea.

just over an hour ago I said goodbye to my old dog Buddy, probably for the last time ever. he's moving to Montreal with my ex-husband, and he's almost 14. the only chance I have to see him again is if I happen to be in Montreal, which isn't out of the question but I don't have any plans for it right now.

it's also the last time I'll see my ex in a very, very long time. I'm very relieved! I never got used to running into him around town. he's such a recluse that it wasn't often, but always surprising.

I have extremely mixed feelings about today, although they lean mostly towards sadness. even though I'm glad that my ex is going to be around even less, I never wanted our marriage to end in the first place. I'm also now glad I'm not with him anymore, but he was my first love and the whole thing has been far and away more devastating that I could have ever imagined. devastating to the point that sometimes I wonder if my life has been ruined.

sigh.

I'm gonna go make some fruit salad, meditate, do some errands, and then go find some sunshine. it would be a more productive way of dealing with my sadness than my usual ways.

the first few days I was in Halifax were actually less than stellar. I saw beautiful landscapes, got to see a close friend again, met her adorable and energetic niece, but I just couldn't shake the funk I was in.

I'd been in a funk for the past few weeks or maybe couple of months here. a combination of stress from a new job, stress from a new roommate and his dog, and a complete lack of meditation. the happiest I'd been in years (literally) was those few months during my meditation class. I haven't really meditated since it ended, sometime in March I think.

finally on my third day in Halifax I broke down and admitted I'm just really, devastatingly lonely and not dealing with it well at all. we were on this beautiful walking trail full of silly dogs and sunshine, and I was crying. it sucked. it was really embarrassing. this whole thing has been really embarrassing. it's been almost three years since my husband left me and I still think about him every single damn day.

my ex and I travelled really well together. vacations to me still mean nice times with your love; I have no love right now. my love shattered my heart and then called me a whore.

after I had a bit of a cry, we stopped and sat on a giant rock for quite a while. laid in the sunshine and didn't talk much. Susan and Monique did a bit; I meditated. the effect was huge! I perked up quite quickly.

the rest of the trip was much better, which is when you started hearing from me here.

today after I surveyed the damage to my house, had a cuddle with my dog, and showered, I meditated. and I'm feeling like I can handle the rest of the day. I'm waiting for Friday Guy to get back to me on when he can hang out. I haven't seen him since that Friday, which was pretty much a month ago now (May 15). I really hope he can hang out tomorrow (tonight I'm busy with frisbee). patience isn't my forte. I want to get on with this.

in the meantime, I should go check on lunch, pull my laundry out of the washer, then get the lawn mowed. my life is so glamourous!

as I feared, I came home to a front yard that needs mowing, a small rug that is now wrecked, and my hammock is probably destroyed because of a pulled string and a broken one. thanks roommate. you and your dog sure are helpful. they've managed to eat up most of their damage deposit as far as I'm concerned now. I also can't replace anything until Nora learns to stop chewing (i.e. until Nick finally agrees that she needs far more exercise than she's getting), and so I'm now living in a ratty house.

very frustrating. Nick and I are going to have another talk I guess.

Halifax has been great! Facebook and Twitter have been getting regular texted updates from me. too bad I can't update my blog with my phone too!

today we're heading to Prospect, then probably back to Crystal Crescent Beach today for some chillin. tonight we're finding me a lobster supper! then drinks at an open mic at the Seahorse Tavern. one of Susan's friends, the owner of this amazing art gallery, will be there which will be fun. she's completely adorable!

tomorrow we have a bunch of walking around downtown to do. it will be my last day! we're gonna pop in to the parliament building, a big cathedral downtown, the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic, plus there's a Ghost Walk that we went to do as well. and we were going to do the Alexander Keith's Brewery tour, but it seems we're running out of time. we'll see.

Halifax is a neat mix of Ottawa and Edinburgh for me, which I like. the humidity has been awesome for my dreads and so has the sea water (I've dipped them in a couple of times; far too cold to actually swim). people here are intimidatingly fashionable and cute, which is kind of annoying, ha! where do the girls get such cute dresses?! we've been on a bit of a hunt, but I'm not much of a shopper so whatever. I've bought some super cute rings, a bracelet, a necklace, and two brooches so I'm feeling satisfied in that area. people are happy and friendly here. it's a nice town, that's for sure. the area around here reminds me a lot of Northern Saskatchewan, which surprised me. I thought it would feel more different. more, "coastal" or something. it reinforces my love of Saskatchewan -- an amazing province with so much to offer if you just get off yer butt and look for it.

yesterday I uploaded a few pictures while we were sitting around being drunk and silly and on vacation. here they are, and here's a teaser:

story of my life. broken record. Friday Guy postponed. tonight I got to hear from someone else about how crazy he was for his last girlfriend. and now I've gone from decently confident to stupid and shattered and fragile. I don't know why they aren't together anymore, but I do know that she was in Africa from January til a couple of weeks ago. and now I wonder if he hasn't made time for me because of school (what he's told me) or if maybe they're back together or thinking of being back together. I was really excited about him, and now I'm crushed and pessimistic and frustrated.

I am so lonely. words can't express how achingly lonely I am. and as I said on Twitter just a moment ago, I do not have the self-esteem to be single.

I leave for Halifax tomorrow and it will be awesome and great! but dammit, I was so hoping for a giant hug before I left. I can't stand this. I really can't.

today was okay. pleasant enough. very quiet.

I got up at 9 and puttered around, mostly napping til noon. I put another coat of paint on the numbers outside -- they look really great now -- and enjoyed chatting with two neighbours while I did it. that really made my day, actually. I am surrounded by really lovely neighbours on both sides and across the street. today I also mowed the front lawn, pulled some major dandelions in the back (with roots up to an inch in diameter!), and did a ton of laundry. not only did I wash clothes, they're all put away! including two loads that had been laying around clean for over a week! the only things I wanted to do but didn't get to was sweeping the floor, cleaning the bathroom, and doing dishes. and really, it's Nick's turn on all of those anyway. okay actually, I'm not aware of him ever sweeping or cleaning the bathroom. ah well.

I quite enjoyed my weekend. it was quiet and I got lots done without feeling lonely or sad. I had three drinks and a smoke on Friday, which is pretty tame, and no booze at all on Saturday. not being even the tiniest bit hungover probably helped my mood all weekend.

Justice Studies boy had friends in town and so he didn't go for dinner with me after all. ah well. I went by myself and it was fine. I really enjoyed my walk back home; I took a street I haven't been down in a while and admired the landscaping and architecture of some houses. I took Katie for a walk after too, and she was extremely well behaved.

I never made it to work, so I am going to try and do a couple of work blog posts before I go to bed tonight. I'm so tempted to just watch something on the internet, though. eek. I really should though. I have all the pictures I need on Flickr already, so each post won't take long at all.

I still don't know if my date with Friday Guy is tomorrow or Tuesday. I hope it's still happening, but I also feel like I can survive til after I'm back from Halifax if it turns out he needs some alone time to unwind from crazy study time. I'm not thrilled about that prospect, though, so I'm gonna see if I can get a hold of him shortly.

I bought Katie a new squeaky toy yesterday. in just five minutes tonight she killed the squeak. it now just makes a grody sucking noise. I love it! she's such a mighty killing machine.

this was at the Cathedral Village Arts Festival a couple of weeks ago. video by Randal, hula hooping by Neil. I'm glad Ran took video because I wasn't there! I missed it because of soccer. ah well. this little vid is pretty awesome. enjoy!



Neil hula hooping with fire.

little Katie is laying beside me dreaming. her paw flicks at stuff occasionally, and she's making munching noises with her mouth. I adore my little dog. I am so happy that all of the working that I've done with her has paid off. when it's just the two of us she is very obedient and sweet. she is not completely obedient with strangers, though, which I'm still working on. we don't get a lot of visitors around here, so it makes socializing her a bit tough.

ugh, but the roommate's dog just let some gas go. gross. she's on the other side. yesterday and today she's been a bit better behaved with me. she seems to have been taught the command "no lick" by someone, which is good. until yesterday I've just been saying "no" when she tries to lick me. no lick works much better! unfortunately, I was out for less than 30 minutes this afternoon and she pooped in the porch. so, back in the kennel when I'm not home she goes.

I really don't have too much patience for her antics. I think we're having a major power struggle. I almost wonder if I should fake beat up Nick to prove that I really am the boss of this house.

at any rate, other than that today was pretty good. I bizarrely woke up at 8 and stayed up! I watered the front lawn (where I scattered clover seed, which has yet to appear so I'm worried) and then left the house before 9. I had a little breakfast at Tim Horton's while I made a list of things to get done. the things on the list that I accomplished: got some gardening stuff, a new windshield wiper for my car, bought 4 lawn chairs, new cleats for soccer and frisbee, new flip flops, and a couple of random things from the grocery store.

I then spent over an hour, perhaps close to two, cleaning my car. it hadn't been vacuumed or wiped down in over a year and a half. ridiculous! it looks amazing now though. so amazing. I was gonna take the dogs to the dog park today, but I opted to enjoy my clean car for one more day.

I then read in the hammock for a bit, then had my first nap in the hammock. totally excellent!! oh and before that I painted the numbers on the front of my house. I've had temporary numbers there since I moved in; I made them out of milk cartons! I'll do another coat of paint tomorrow, but they're finally permanent numbers!

this evening I went to Atlantis (coffeehouse) for a bit, just to get out of the house. I texted everyone but absolutely nothing was happening. ah well. for 2 hours I read about the East Coast in preparation for my trip. I leave Wednesday and get back 8 days later. I'm way beyond excited! Susan, the friend I'm visiting, is too. we're going to have the best time ever. the music at Atlantis was pretty excellent tonight too. they played the new Rah Rah disc, which I have to buy as soon as possible.

I've emailed Justice Studies boy to see if he wants to go to dinner tomorrow night. I haven't seen him in a few weeks. he wants to see me before I go, but he didn't call me all weekend so I'm feeling extremely meh about him. dinner might be good though. Little Saigon--I haven't been able to get their bun cha off my mind! anyway, we'll see if he can do that. otherwise I won't see him until after June 21. I'm gone June 3 to 11; he's gone June 10 to 19; I'm gone June 19 to 21. ha!

on either Monday or Tuesday, I am not sure yet, I will be going to see Star Trek with Friday Guy. I am really looking forward to this! I haven't seen him since that Friday two weeks ago, but we've chatted on MSN a bit. he writes his final tomorrow! and then he gets to have a bit of a life again! he hasn't see Star Trek yet and I want to see it again, so it's going to be nice. I asked if I get to hold his hand at the movie. he said it depends on where my hand is. I said that was a secret. oh, silly. I do hope we hold hands, though. we'll for sure hug. we for sure won't kiss, since I'm still sick.

my illness is going away, but I am not all better yet. I cough a ton and it's gross. Thursday night I coughed all night and got little sleep. Friday was rough. tomorrow I'm going in to work for an hour or two to get a few things done. I can do them at home, but I'd rather do an hour or two and get out, rather than muse about it all day and kinda do a bit here and there and then feel all stressed out. I dunno, mostly I just want to do two work blog posts. I really can just do that from here.

well, that's me for now I guess.