I ended up watching yesterday's football game via streaming tv on my laptop. I was alone. I enjoyed the hell out of myself! I could see the laptop from the kitchen, so I did several sinks of dishes, put away some laundry, and tidied up a bit. I also enjoyed the game itself -- pretty exciting! I like reasonably close games.

I emailed the bookstore coffee guy and told him that I could see him being with my friend instead. he said sure, I can introduce them. cute! I think they'd have a shot. it's worth trying out. then, bookstore coffee guy says he'll set me up with his friends if he can think of any! and then asks if I've ever considered dating Friday Guy!

ha! of course I would date Friday Guy in a second. I adore him. I don't know if we'd work, but oh man we'd have fun in the beginning. Friday Guy and I are going to hang out really soon. and there was talk of maybe having some kisses. I don't think I'll tell Friday Guy that he's been recommended to me. I think it's hilarious, though!

Katie is happy today. I can tell she's happy because she's destroying a toy. I love that dog.

my brother got a second cat. now he has an orange & white cat, and a black & white cat. they are pretty together.

I am going to get some cornstarch shortbread cookies started, then I'm going to watch The Amazing Race.

it's actually kind of exhausting being in a good mood. I end up having so much energy! but then I crash. it's fun in the beginning though.

today I got most of the stuff on my To Do list accomplished or started.

- I bought my favourite herbal cigarettes.

- I went to my colleague's going away lunch.

- I stopped at the bank and found out how to put money on my mortgage. turns out I have to call someone to increase my payments, and I can only put an extra payment on my mortgage on my regular payment date (next one is Dec 1). ah well. at least I got that started.

- I bought two sets of shelves, plus a lamp (I had a $25 coupon that expired today for the lamp, so I'm surprised and pleased I found one I liked). I've already put the lamp together, and may or may not get the shelves together tonight. we'll see. I have all weekend!

- most excitingly, I stopped at my tattoo place and made an appointment for a consultation! it's not til January 5, because the guy I like is out of the country right now. but, how excited am I?!?! I am getting an open book on my right wrist in black, getting my feet touched up, and getting a giant stained glass panel on my upper back. woo! I hadn't even planned to do that today, but I still had 40 minutes left on my meter and happened to be really close to the shop. I ended up walking around the block trying to decide if I wanted to go do it, but I'm glad I went! the girl who made my appointment remembered me (she pierced my nostril a couple of years ago and I've been in a few times since then), so that made me happy. you always get a better experience when they know you. it's kind of the secret to a really good tattoo. (unfortunately! but true.)

this will be the first time I've gotten more than one tattoo from the same person, and this guy has the lightest hand and the tattoos he did on my feet DIDN'T HURT. usually my tattoos hurt a lot! the tattoo on my wrist will also be my first totally public tattoo. in fact, my ex used to say that the day I got my wrists tattooed would be the day he divorces me. he was worried about future job prospects. well, I think a small open book won't exactly ruin my reputation. plus seriously, the kind of job I have requires me to be creative. I think this tattoo won't hurt that at all.

I am having a very good day, and it's only 5pm!

another thing that made me happy tonight was the fact that I finally emailed an electrician friend to see if he can fix the plug on the front of my house. it's a minor thing that isn't worth getting a proper electrician for, but I've been putting off asking him. actually, it's MSN Guy! the one I dated for a month before he dumped me for being a very distant relative of his :) that was a year ago now. a few months after we stopped seeing each other I ran into him at a party. I couldn't figure out why I liked him in the first place! ha! he's a nice guy, just so not my type.

anyway, he's coming over Sunday to have a look. this means that this winter when my parents come to visit, they can park in the front and actually plug in their vehicle! my parents have a giant truck and it was NOT fun for them to try and navigate my tiny parking spot in back. CouchSurfers will be able to use the plug too! and it means I can put up lights for the holidays, which bizarrely I actually have the energy to do this year (I think). if I can find someone to lend me a big ladder, I have what I want to do all figured out in my head.

speaking of the holidays, I bought some more balls for my little tree, plus a new topper. I never had enough decorations for it, and the topper was getting old and ragged. I'm kind of excited for Dec 1 to roll around so I can drink port and decorate. it takes me all of ten minutes! but I get to drink port while I do it :)

I talked to my dad the other day about the holidays. I'll be driving out there. I am excited to see all the renos my parents have done this year! and I'm excited to go skiing, perhaps even in the mountains! I love Sunshine Village and I hope we can go there. I am a slightly nervous skier, so I like to do the same place again and again. I like skiing with my dad, too. he always stays with me, even though he can easily ski better than me and doesn't have to be so attentive. we do take different routes too, actually. we do a good combo of together and our own thing.

if we go it will be the first time we've skied together since he had cancer, actually. last time we skied was at Lake Louise and it was awful. it was icy and I fell really hard and bent my glasses. and my dad was feeling sick and only did a half day. I had to drive us all home and my dad ALWAYS drives! and we stopped at a Smitty's for supper because my brother and I were freezing and wanted somewhere warm to eat, even though my dad was so sick and wanted to stop somewhere faster. he ate only a few bites of toast. I felt terrible! but I was so cold and exhausted and still had an hour to drive, and I couldn't go on without sitting a bit and resting. and then six weeks later we found out that the reason my dad was feeling so shitty was because he had cancer. imagine my guilt then! actually, I remember when my mom told me and I didn't feel guilt. just terror. complete and utter terror. the guilt came weeks later, once the initial shock wore off.

well hell, that was a tangent! anyway, the only reason I may not go out to my parents place for the holidays is if my sister is there. I told my dad I wasn't sure I want to see her. she was absolutely horrid to me the last two times I saw her. I really don't feel like putting up with her anymore. she has always hated me and I'm sick of it. she's 35! grow up.

but the thing is that my sister is actually not doing very well. I am really torn about this. it's become clear to the family that she's very depressed. I think I could reach out to her. but, I also don't know if it will make a damn bit of difference. despite me battling depression and perhaps being able to give her advice, especially since we are so similar, I don't think she can hear me when we talk. she treats me as less than dirt, for real. she won't say hi, won't talk to me, and answers with one word answers. she's always been like this with me, for real. at first I was feeling kinda bad for trying to avoid her this year, but actually now that I've thought about it I've decided to not feel bad. she's really close with our dad. maybe she needs to talk to just him. maybe if she goes to their place for Christmas, I'll invite my brother to just come to my house. or, I could go to his house! he might really like that. I bet he'd be pleased as hell. we have other family we could maybe visit too I suppose, but it depends on what they're all doing. I could totally dig playing video games and watching movies with my little brother in his brand new house for Christmas. I am so proud of him I could burst!

ha, this was meant to be a two paragraph post. ha! I guess I had lots to say. have been pretty quiet 'round these here parts lately.

I feel pretty good right now.

earlier tonight I got some kinda sad news. it's not super bad news, but I did have a tiny cry. I kinda liked the cry, though. it wasn't out of control, and I did feel better after. I think crying is okay. meditation taught me that sometimes you are just sad. no need to overthink it -- just be sad. and maybe be curious about your sadness, but just being sad when you are sad is completely acceptable. (you are also guided to not get too mired in your wallowing, though, but that's the gist.)

related to the sad news, I talked on the phone with a friend for over an hour. it was a really good talk! we'd never talked on the phone before, actually.

last night, after texting or calling at least 17 people, I managed to find someone to go to a show with me. actually, what happened is that a friend and I both tried to win free tickets to the show. she won them! and then invited me to be her date! but then she got sick and gave me both tickets. I was sad we didn't get to hang out, and sad she felt so terrible! oh ladytimes, you are miserable for some people. luckily I don't ever get much more than mild cramps. but, the person I found to go with was REALLY excited and so happy I called her to go! and that made me really happy. she moved here a few months ago and lives only five blocks from me. we've hung out a few times and I could immediately tell we'd get along. and ya, we have more in common than I ever expected.

she and her husband just broke up, sadly, so I shared with her the advice that I have on how to figure out how to date after you've been in a relationship and married for a while. I shall let her learn from my mistakes! actually, she's quite cheerful about the whole thing. and she's not burdened with the ridiculousness that is an asshole ex-husband and a dad with cancer.

almost exactly two years ago a friend broke up with her long time boyfriend and she kinda tried to turn to me for support. but that was when I was at my darkest time and I just couldn't be the person anyone relied on. I actually run away when anyone relies to heavily on me right now. but, I am definitely in a position where I can be of help if people want it (just don't make me your ONLY person ever! I can't be your only person. I can be helpful, and a good friend, but if I sense that I am the only reason you leave your house, run run run away I go!). even though I am still not 100%, I think I'm really doing very well. I post here when I'm mopey but not much when I'm happy. but, I mean as long as I stay away from booze I feel pretty good. the longer I stay away from it, the happier I get. I should obviously not drink at all, but y'know, I'm getting there. anyway, I feel particularly great that I can offer advice!

I have tomorrow off. I have a list of things to do. it is a great list! I am going to put a crapload of money on my mortgage, then up my mortgage payments a little. I have to go to the bank to do that because I don't have my every day banking with them, which is why I have a huge lump sum to put down, and why I want to up the payments. it's not like I'm rolling in dough -- it just sorta ended up that I saved a bunch when I had a roommate. anyway, then I'm going to buy the herbal cigarettes I love (it took me months to get through the first pack! ha), then go to a colleague's going away lunch at my second favourite pub. after that I am going to buy some shelves and finally, after two years, start getting my basement organized. I may sort out some clothes to give away as well. I know I have at least one big, full moving box of clothes I haven't touched in two years, plus two other plastic boxes of clothes. I also have what will probably add up to a few more garbage bags of clothes as well. I am excited about cleaning out my closet and dresser! I am going to be brutal, too. partly because I want to go shopping, ha! I bought some cute tops a few weeks ago but can't buy more clothes til I give some away. I have way too many clothes that I haven't worn in way too long. it just needs to get done. I also want to start doing the summer/winter clothes thing and pack away some of my summer stuff. it will make it more fun when summer comes around and I get to discover my wardrobe again! also, with having to have business and casual clothes, I just don't have tons of closet space anyway. I'm really not a huge shopper, so it's kinda neat to feel excited about buying new things.

oh, I have another date on Saturday! we emailed back and forth today. he's suggested coffee at Starbucks in Chapters so that we can do coffee, then look at books. this is perfect! I did that once with a guy that I met online (but not in a dating context; in some other social network before they were called social networks) and it was a great way to get to know someone. talking about books is fun! and it takes the pressure off of having to keep the conversation going. the guy I did that with last time I ended up dating for a month. and while it didn't last, it was fun and it ended pleasantly. we're still friendly although we never see each other. we keep meaning to make plans for drinks but it just never seems to happen. ah well.

lots of positive things right now. I feel good. I want this good feeling to last!

I wish being happy wasn't such a struggle for me. it's a tiresome and tiring constant battle.

today I am down. last night I was down. last night, though, I drank two beer and then cried all the way home. so, I know why I am sad. beer can make me very sad. but, it still sucks. it's not like I can tell my brain to be happy because it's just a chemical reaction. and it's not JUST the booze either. I am dissatisfied with how my life is going so far. much of my life pleases me, but I am still haunted by the events of the past few years. divorce. leukemia. close friend's house fire. abusive job. et frigging cetera.

today I walked home at lunch. it was nice. the weather was warm, Katie was wiggly and happy when I got home, and I did a bit of tidying while things cooked on the stove.

I also really yearned for a partner/best friend while I walked home. I miss having one person to confide in. believe it or not, but when I was married I was a lot more private. my ex knew everything, two close girlfriends knew a lot, and the rest of my interactions were fairly drama-free and happy. (in fact, few people knew we were fighting, and only one person had an idea of bad it was.) but now that I don't really have one person to talk to, I talk to everyone. I spread little bits of myself and my life all over the place, and I hate it. but, I'm a talker. I need to talk. and because I don't have one person, I have many people. and then I worry that all of those people think I'm a screwed up crazy woman. which, really, I am.

I got tipsy one night a few months ago and bought one of those stupid tv exercise program things. it's called The Wave by The Firm. I mentioned it here at the time. I finally pulled it out of the box and followed one of the dvds the other night and it was pretty fun. I was also stoked about it because it came with an eating plan and recipes too! I did one of the other dvds tonight, but it went too fast. way, way too fast for me to follow. the good thing is that because I can't keep up, I don't get as much exercise and therefore I don't overexert myself. I spent half the time stumbling around. in theory as time goes on I'll get better, and I'll gradually get in better shape and so it will all mesh fine. but, in the meantime tonight I only did about three quarters and then gave up and cried. at least I tried, anyway.

there are a couple of things going on tomorrow night that I wouldn't mind doing. but, I can't find anyone to join me. I probably could try a bit harder, but it makes me feel like a big stupid loser. I hate having to send out 25 texts to find someone to do things with (and I've already texted the 10 most likely people). it's just so much frigging work! and it's hard on the ego. being single is constant rejection. not necessarily personal rejection, but it wears you down. especially when you're lonely to begin with. it's not like anyone has been horrible to me. my friends are all wonderful.

the friend that helped me on Friday night after I passed out is absolutely convinced I had a seizure. I tried to not take his claim seriously, but then he told me that my jaw was clenched, my lips were blue, and my eyes rolled back in my head. so, I am going to attempt to find a family doctor tomorrow. I need to see the doctor soon anyway. my lungs have been bothering me lately. just constant wheezing for no apparent reason. I've never had this before. usually I wheeze after sports, and a little bit after smoking. but, this has been constant wheezing for a least a couple of weeks.

I am proof that stress can deteriorate a person physically. in the year during the divorce and my dad's leukemia, I got tonsillitis several times, pink eye twice, several colds, and a huge increase in the frequency of hayfever and my allergy to the cold (yep I am actually allergic to the cold! it's a weird and unpredictable one for me, though). in the two years since that first year of insanity I've had more tonsillitis and a huge increase in my soap allergy, and now the tequila incident. previous to the past three years of crap, I was quite healthy with only minor and very manageable allergies.

work is going okay. some people are driving me insane, but the good things definitely outweigh the irritating things. it's a great job and a great place to work. actually, one of the things that makes me mad is that there are people there who hate it and think it's a crappy place to work. I've heard their complaints and I think they are fixable. but, these people go out of their way to make sure the problems continue. they go out of their way to create rifts, to alienate the people they feel are alienating them, and to say no whenever possible. it's really frustrating. it's a frigging great place! they don't know how lucky they are.

and I know I should take my own advice. I know I'm lucky. it just doesn't feel that way when you're lonely. I have this great book called "What Happy People Know". it helped briefly pull me out of my deep depression two years ago long enough that I could buy my house. (I became very depressed again, but never as bad as I had been before I read that book.) there's a passage in the book where the author talks about how he once counselled a group of refugees. he talks about how they'd lived terrible, awful lives. and he also talked about how when he was counselling them, most of their complaints had to do with issues of love. they didn't complain about how they'd lived in refugee camps and whatnot, but told stories about how "so-and-so likes this girl instead of me but I love him". sometimes that passage makes me feel okay about being so down in the dumps even though I live a beautiful life.

but really, I'd rather be happy.

I am supposed to have a date sometime this weekend. another guy from the dating site. turns out he's known Friday Guy for 15 years. I found this out from Friday Guy, who of course I'm still friends with. I am hopeful this new guy is not too socially awkward. he's handsome, he's a computer nerd that works at my last workplace, he's 27, and he's always dreamed of working for the UN. anyway we'll see. we're supposed to go for coffee.

as for Friday Guy, I haven't talked to him much, not since school started of course. but, I sent him a message the other day just saying a few words. he invited me that night to go for dinner, but I couldn't. a few days later he invited me to go out to swim at the spa sometime soon. except that he's sick with a cold so it won't be super soon, but in the next couple of weeks. we'll see if that happens. it would be super nice, but he's also almost never kept a plan with me ever. I don't know why I bother. he is the kind of person that must be in control. and I don't have to be in control, but I do like it and lean towards it. we are such a bad match, except that we have great chemistry. if that even makes sense.

I also invited Friday Guy to go to Costa Rica with me in May. he's into it. I doubt it will happen, though. not because I'm so pessimistic, but because the logistics are impossible. we'd have to book tickets sooner rather than later, and he probably won't know until his graduation date if he's graduating. last May he took an extra month to finish that semester because he'd been sick. so, I can't really count on May. June perhaps, but that's where things get expensive again. so, we'll see.

in the course of writing this huge post I have managed to cheer up a little. I am tempted to delete a lot of this because it's poorly written and rambling, but whatever. it's not like I'm being graded by the Blog Gods or anything.

at least I am making progress, but I feel like I'm going two steps forward and one step back. maybe make that one giant step that is almost the same length as the two steps forward.

lately I've been very stingy in my alcohol consumption. I am taking it easy. I don't keep alcohol in the house, I've been taking coffee to social events and very much enjoying it, and I have been staying in a little more in general just to take better care of myself.

I also went to a most wonderful raw food dinner party where even the lasagna was made with only raw food! the "noodles" were strips of zucchini, the "meat" was made of nuts and spices, and the "cheese" was also made of nuts -- and it was hearty, filling, delicious, and you'd never know it was all raw food. I was inspired to continue to think more about what I consume.

considering the changes I've been making so that I am healthier and happier, it's frustrating to have big setbacks. I'm known for getting quite silly at parties, but I don't really want to be known as that girl anymore. I am that girl sleeping on the couch at 11 who had a bit too much too quickly. I tend to get carried away, and of course I don't even have fun when I do that!

last night I was at a party but taking it easy. I had 1.5 glasses of wine, then someone passed around some expensive tequila and we all had a couple of shots. I was passed a shot with about 1.5 ounces.

so, imagine my frustration when an hour later I felt so terrible that while going outside to get air, I fainted! it looked and felt like I was drunk off my ass, to be honest, but I wasn't! 1.5 glasses of wine and 1.5 shots of tequila? with a tiny bit to smoke? I even consciously refused smoking more because I know it makes me too silly. I was being good! for real! and yet I spent most of the night upstairs "sleeping it off."

I think I had an allergic reaction to something in the tequila. I am allergic to something in vodka -- it makes me puke after 3 drinks, so I avoid it like the plague. but tequila? it was even expensive, good tequila. I never expected that.

I'm still a bit shaken up. it's a good thing I didn't make it outside to the tiny deck with the steep set of stairs to a cement patio if I was going to faint! it's a good thing my friends are wonderful people who nursed me back to health. I feel like an idiot, because it didn't look like an allergy. it looked like I'd had too much, but I didn't! but, I mean I know they don't care. I'm just frustrated and feeling kinda burned by my body for reacting like a jerk.

allergies are scary. actually, now that I think about it, the person who helped me the most figured I'd had a seizure. Shawn says he's had them before, but I can't remember much of what he'd said about it. so, yeah, I either fainted or had a seizure or both. scary stuff. I just read a bit about seizures and I can't really say if what I experienced was one, or what the trigger might have been.

so, now I am allergic to: wasp stings, most soaps, whatever gives me hayfever, something in vodka, and something in expensive tequila. sigh.

but, I soldier on.

on Friday at work we played a few games of conkers. my colleague is from England and his parents sent him some. it was so fun!

here is the Englishman that made it all happen, and his conker.



and here is a game in progress:



the woman on the right is my closest friend at work. I like a lot of the people I work with, but she is my main squeeze.

here is my sad, broken conker! I lost my first game.



I did, however, score some nice welts while playing! when you throw your conker at someone else's, it comes back up and hits you either in the arm or leg. mine mostly hit in the arm!



on Saturday night I had a little dog party and invited over some friends with dogs the same size as mine. Katie had met Dijon once before, but neither dog had met Leia. it was fun, but loud! Katie is such a social idiot. she barked her head off while the other two played.

here are Leia and Dijon playing:



this picture is cute:



all three dogs wanting a toy from Dawn (look at Dijon's crazy eyes!)



Katie being bossy towards Leia:



and here's a video of the ridiculousness that is my dog:



(direct link to video)

and backtracking a bit, on Friday I went on a date through that dating site I'm on. the guy was young, only 24, but it seemed like we had lots in common. plus, as it turns out I know his older sister. sadly, though, the boy was extremely awkward. sure ya we had lots in common, but within a few minutes I knew it was going to be a painful evening. we met up at 8 and had a beer. after his first beer he went to the bathroom, and when he came back he sat beside me! oh whoa, sweetie that's way too fast! he then also started putting his arm around me, which was incredibly sweet but I had to tell him I wasn't interested.

he took it hard. he was so cute and sweet! poor guy.

I don't mind that it turned out the way it did. at some point I was gonna have to say I wasn't interested, and he kinda forced it out a bit sooner than if he'd been a bit more relaxed.

ah well. he was very embarrassed, but he really didn't do anything wrong. sure he moved fast (we were already on a date! no need to show me you like me), but if I'd been into him it would have been awesome. the date began at 8, around 9 I was in the bathroom texting friends who were supposed to maybe meet up with us to come sooner and save me, at 9:45 I was telling him I wasn't interested, and by 10:30 I was at a friend's place who was having some people over. (and she had a cute CouchSurfer that totally flirted with me during the goodnight hug, which was awesome and fun. I love harmless flirting! it happens so little.)

yesterday I got a message back from my profile twin, and it was a pretty good message. I replied last night after drinking some wine at the dog party, so my reply was a bit silly. he's read it but not replied yet, which is fine. it usually takes me a few days to formulate a response too. at any rate, he's recommended some books to me so that is good.

today I experienced what felt like literally a wave of loneliness wash over me. then I hauled my butt outside and did the yardwork that needed to get done. and near the end I started crying a little, but not much. it wasn't even a lonely cry, though. I just miss my ex-mother-in-law. I haven't talked to her in exactly three years. we went for lunch once after the breakup, and we emailed each other maybe twice (once was me telling her my dad had cancer) and that was about it. once she sent me an email saying I should call her immediately. but instead I emailed her. such a wimp. but, she never replied. as I was raking I was thinking that I should get in touch. and I realized that since my ex moved to Montreal, maybe I could have a bit of a friendship with her and it wouldn't be as upsetting as when he was here. both of her kids live out east, too, so maybe she's lonely. an extremely painful part of the breakup was dealing with losing the relationship with my dog and my in-laws.

anyway, so that was my weekend. it was mostly pretty good.

here are some Hallowe'en pictures:



and some birds & sunset pictures:



more pictures are here!

I love my city. listen to these Canada Geese honk honk honk! they've been like this the past two days. love it. this was taken just outside of the building where I work.

sunset + park + geese = bliss.

today I was rewarded.

yesterday I felt like a jerk, but managed to stay very calm. I also got that speeding ticket, and also managed to stay very calm.

today the Government of Canada sent me $915 for the EcoEnergy Retrofit Grant. I will also have a provincial portion coming to me. this money will cover both my house insurance due in two weeks and the speeding ticket.

not freaking out is lovely. especially since life is okay and manageable if you don't freak out.

today at lunch I got an email through the online dating site. it's inconsequential since the guy lives in Toronto, but it lead me to seeing the profile of someone whose seems to be my profile twin! he mentioned three large things in his life, and those three things exactly match me. I sent him a message! we shall see. but, this means that I'm now actively talking to two guys and potentially talking to a third on this site. and that means I am feeling like there is possibly hope for dating in this city.

yesterday I lazed around after declaring that Mondays and Thursdays are now cleaning nights. I didn't freak out, though. tonight I simply had a glorious hour-long nap after supper, then cleaned for 90 minutes. I did a bunch of dishes in the sink, I cleaned the bathroom, and I am now running the dishwasher. that's plenty for tonight, and I'm feeling caught up.

the trick to life seems to be keep calm and carry on.

today was okay. I really hope the pictures of Saturday that turn up on Facebook are decent of me. I suspect there will be some very unflattering ones from the end of the night. and not just unflattering, but potentially really embarrassing.

this is the reason Facebook is evil. this is also the reason you shouldn't do what I do.

sigh.

I vow to not repeat that performance, that's for sure. the ridiculous thing is that I've really improved how I eat, I've been good about not drinking as much, I don't smoke much anymore, and then I act like a jerk on Saturday. AND today I got a speeding ticket in the mail from the Calgary Police Service. apparently coming home from Thanksgiving I was going 97 in an 80 zone. I never speed! I can guarantee you I didn't see the speed limit sign and I had no idea how fast to go. so, there's $110 wasted.

anyway, I'm not grumpy or anything. just, antsy. antsy in general.

yesterday my friend posted on Facebook that he'd checked the forecast and it called for alcohol, low standards, and poor decision making.

turns out he was exactly right! last night was one of those nights where being single was fun. it was sorely needed! despite the fact I am so sick of people saying this word, last night was pretty epic. totally over the top, but I regret nothing. I wear my shame like a badge of honour. Sylvain and Nine would truly be proud.

I also talked to a girl who is 7 months pregnant (and she was dressed up as the cutest bumblebee!!) and we gushed over babies. and it was nice to be excited for them, rather than feeling envious.

today I drove out to see my brother's new house that he bought. my parents were visiting him. I just about didn't go, because I was tired (I had maybe 4 hours of real sleep) and feeling like I'd been run over, but I'm glad I did. my mom and I both needed to hang out, talk, hugs and love. it was also good to see my little brother all set up with a house! he's come a long way in the last two years, that's for sure. actually, we both have.

by the way, this is the photo that I found that inspired me. I won't get it tattooed like this (too harsh), but the quote is magic.

I know I'm making progress.

I am effective at work, unlike when I was depressed and in my last job. I handed my budget in today, even though it's not finished and it's terrible. my boss then told me that mine was the hardest. sigh. ya, I know. marketing touches everyone else's stuff, and I don't know what other people are planning. my budget is impacted the most by other people. the rest can just do theirs and move on. anyway, whatever. the first draft is done, mostly, and now my boss can give me guidance.

I went to the grocery store straight after work to buy stuff for our potluck lunch tomorrow. I parked at the store and realized I'd left the recipe I needed at work. drove back to work and found out my key doesn't work in the main door. drove around to the other entrance, got my stuff, went back to the grocery store, got what I needed and was home at 6:30. I waited to cry until I got home, and even then it was just a couple of big sobs and then I was okay (until I wrote those sad posts, both of which I mostly sobbed through). in the past not eating til close to 7 and having that kind of stupid thing go wrong would have me screaming in anger.

after I blogged a bit I made my soup. doing it made me feel more pleasant. Twitter gave me some good music suggestions tonight, and following those introduced me to some pretty songs that made me feel more pleasant. (here is the one I found utterly, completely, devastatingly beautiful.) then I meditated while my soup cooked, and it felt really, really good. it was a good session.

so, I am feeling really defeated and I'm possibly depressed again. but, I am not acting out the way I have in the past. I am sober, for one. I'm dealing with things and trying to face them, rather than just distracting myself with fun or booze.

so even though I am in a really shitty place right now, and I'm feeling kind of without hope at the moment, this is actually better than I have been I guess. I think I am inching my way along, even though it mostly feels like I'm moving backwards. I know, though, that I am making progress.

I figured out my next tattoo today, actually. it will be the words replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. it's what inspired me to sign off on my work blog posts "stay curious", it's what helped me figure out that I am a "curious generalist" (which is how I describe myself in several places on the web right now), and it's because of meditation and mindfulness that the phrase actually has meaning. and meditation changed my life and saved my life.

this post hasn't been written as well as I'd like, but in lieu of great writing, I choose sleep. goodnight, internet. if you can, I'd appreciate if you could keep me in your thoughts for the next day or two. some lovingkindness. maybe a prayer if that's your thing? is lighting a candle too much? I'm just feeling really alone, but that would help.

so many babies these days. I feel like such a failure. I want kids so much it hurts.

I don't know what I'll do when my close friends start having kids. so far only distant friends have them. I reconnected with an old pal the other day. (Marc and Dixie, it's Dave from AASG. he's the reason I know you!) he has a two year old boy. I felt like such a failure detailing my life these days.... divorced, single, childless. I have a dog. it was so insignificant.

a colleague is pregnant. you couldn't pay me enough to go to her baby shower.

I dread the moment my first close friend announces a pregnancy.

I am overwhelmed, really unhappy, stressed out, kind of sick, and completely out of love with life. I am toeing the line of depression and I'm not exactly sure why.

I have stopped doing all of the usual things that get me down in the dumps. I felt myself sinking down and polished up my habits. it helped a little, but I'm still really struggling.

things just feel off.

I had a fairly boring weekend and I was mostly incredibly bummed out.

I've decided that I need to get appropriate amounts of sleep and stop drinking completely except for special occasions (like Hallowe'en!) in order to work on my mood. I was really grouchy all weekend, though. I should have meditated more. I did on Friday for 20 minutes. that was it, though.

Friday I played soccer at 9. first game of the indoor season! it was fun even though we lost. ah well. I went home, watch tv shows on my laptop, and went to sleep at 1. I could have gone out, but I didn't really want to risk drinking or wear myself out. I was also pretty tired. I think I'm getting sick.

Saturday I had rock climbing at 10am, which is relatively early on a weekend for me. it's fine if I'm not drinking, but sometimes when I'm out I can be out til 2 or 3. add booze on that and getting up at 9 can be kinda crappy. anyway, so yeah I had that until noon and then went costume shopping. I am going as Medusa for Hallowe'en, so I needed to find some snakes. I didn't, though, so I'm going to make some with wire and rolled up newspaper wrapped in green florist tape. I also have fake rubies for eyes!

after I spent a bit of time with Katie I went to my neighbours place to watch what turned out to be a pretty exciting football game. I normally don't care about football, but I'm getting into it. I didn't drink, either! just coffee. I'm glad I went, especially since it was the only friend thing I did all weekend.

I got home at 6:30, read for a while, then accompanied a friend to her first soccer game at 10pm. she's on the team affiliated with mine but doesn't know anyone on the team, and I was asked to play this game as well so it was going to be pretty good. but, we got the ref who plays Strictly By The Rules, and so I couldn't play. I have one ear piercing and two nostril piercings that can't be taken out no matter what, unless I want to go back to a piercing shop to get them put back in (small fiddly jewelry in small fiddly spaces). I was mad. the ref is a total hardass even though it's division 4 (i.e. second worst division) in rec league soccer. relax! the team manager was really sweet about it though. usually I act all mad, but this time I admitted it made me want to cry. he patted my back and said it was fine and for me not to take it too hard. that was sweet. and then a few minutes later he had to tell me to go sit in the bleachers because non-players aren't allowed on the bench. SHEESH! stupid ref. nobody else is as tough about the rules. the ref the night before let me tape my stuff (I didn't even tape all of it) but normally people just let it go. if this was serious soccer, then fine. but it's not. it's not beer league, but it's not super skillful.

I tried to find people Saturday night, but no replies. I didn't text too many, though. I wasn't sure I was up for going out anyway. one person was going to a party, but I didn't know the owner of the party. and really, I was feeling so low that hanging out in a new situation was the worst thing imaginable. I read and fell asleep on the couch at 1. got up at 2 and went to bed.

early this afternoon I went downtown to have lunch and run 2 errands. but as I was walking up to where I was going to eat lunch I realized I'd left my wallet at home. cursing, with tears in my eyes, I ran my errands and went home. I ordered pizza. I was so grumpy from hunger that I didn't even have the patience to make anything.

then I went to see Where the Wild Things Are. it was pretty good. not the best movie ever, but only really because I was kinda freaked out by all of the violent "playing". (don't worry -- I won't post any spoilers!) it makes sense that a boy's imagination is going to conjure up monsters who like to play war games and stuff, but I just kept worrying that Max was gonna get hurt. I dunno, it was kinda weird. I loved the message of the film, though. I'm exactly Carol the monster (who is really a mirror of Max, of course). I am afraid. I get my hopes up and have huge expectations, and they don't measure up and so I get angry, and overall I'm just afraid of everything. and all I want is to be in a happy family, instead of being scared that everyone will leave me. I cried a few times in the film.

I tried to cheer up on my way home. and, so far it's okay. I saved my old 1998 website (last updated in 2002) from Geocities destruction (it closes tomorrow; end of an era) and I chatted with an old dear friend for a while. I then replied to a message from a guy from the online dating site. we've sent each other 2 messages each now. he seems pretty decent. so few men on that site are decent.

anyway, so I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I think I'll go meditate. I think I need it. then, I'll start a new book (finished my book club book this afternoon). oh, I folded some laundry earlier too. I should finish that, since my bed is covered in clean clothes needing to be put away. then, bed.

I'm now taking an indoor wall climbing class at work. here is me bouldering!



bouldering is climbing, usually horizontally, along a wall without any ropes and within safe falling distance of the ground. next week we graduate to actual climbing, with ropes and mega-height. can't wait!

on Thursday morning before work I attended a protest. well, it wasn't much of a protest. it was 5 people having a potluck breakfast outside of a paid breakfast.

we are in the middle of a civic election and the only public debate happening between the three mayoral candidates was during a $45 breakfast held by the local chamber of commerce. a local community group tried to organize a free debate, but our mayor said no. he said he was too busy. he said he was too busy even though he did have the time to schedule a concert announcement which the organizing committee admitted was scheduled not that long ago.

for some reason the mayor keeps getting to announce large concerts. I don't really understand that. like, does he really get credit for bringing Bon Jovi to the city? apparently. and apparently people love him for this. but, that's an aside.

at any rate, we organized a potluck and stood politely out on the sidewalk on public property eating our pastries before the organized breakfast. we didn't have signs. we didn't talk to any of the paid guests. the chamber had told us that if we pre-register, we can pay just $15 for the breakfast (the cost of the food). they also made it clear they didn't want us advertising that.

so, when the local press came around, we quietly and politely responded to their questions. we don't think that $45 for breakfast is accessible to many citizens of our city. it had nothing to do with whether or not we supported the mayor, but that we think it's wrong to not have a public, free debate.

after the press left, a woman from the venue came out to ask us to leave. we asked her some questions and chatted a while. another woman came out and asked the first if she was okay. (she claimed she was worried the first one was cold, but it seemed to me that she was worried we were causing trouble.) the first lady then told us protesters were not allowed on the property. we didn't say anything to her, but the two journalists in the group found it very interesting that protesters were not allowed on publicly-owned property. they will be writing articles about it later, to be sure.

we went inside to decide whether we'd try to attend the breakfast. one of us had pre-registered and was prepared to pay the $45. the rest of us wanted to ask the chamber to let us in for free, but because none of us expected to be let in, we weren't really prepared to attend. at that point a third woman came out and very sternly told us to leave. we were not welcome at this "private event" and she wanted us gone. the one of us that had pre-registered was granted access, and the rest of us were glared at.

it was fun and felt good to stand up for something that I believe in.

it was also disappointing to be treated like crazy protesters. we are not crazy protesters. we are all educated professionals who just wanted to listen to a debate that is going to affect our daily lives a whole heck of a lot. and hell, even if we were uneducated and jobless, we shouldn't have been treated with the amount of suspicion with which we were treated.

I've been really busy. and only about medium in mood. I have lots to say, but it's late and I'm tired. I am here, though.

I did, however, get an iPhone today! and it's fun! and I'm up late syncing it. but I should go to bed. just about done.