here are some Hallowe'en pictures:



and some birds & sunset pictures:



more pictures are here!

I love my city. listen to these Canada Geese honk honk honk! they've been like this the past two days. love it. this was taken just outside of the building where I work.

sunset + park + geese = bliss.

today I was rewarded.

yesterday I felt like a jerk, but managed to stay very calm. I also got that speeding ticket, and also managed to stay very calm.

today the Government of Canada sent me $915 for the EcoEnergy Retrofit Grant. I will also have a provincial portion coming to me. this money will cover both my house insurance due in two weeks and the speeding ticket.

not freaking out is lovely. especially since life is okay and manageable if you don't freak out.

today at lunch I got an email through the online dating site. it's inconsequential since the guy lives in Toronto, but it lead me to seeing the profile of someone whose seems to be my profile twin! he mentioned three large things in his life, and those three things exactly match me. I sent him a message! we shall see. but, this means that I'm now actively talking to two guys and potentially talking to a third on this site. and that means I am feeling like there is possibly hope for dating in this city.

yesterday I lazed around after declaring that Mondays and Thursdays are now cleaning nights. I didn't freak out, though. tonight I simply had a glorious hour-long nap after supper, then cleaned for 90 minutes. I did a bunch of dishes in the sink, I cleaned the bathroom, and I am now running the dishwasher. that's plenty for tonight, and I'm feeling caught up.

the trick to life seems to be keep calm and carry on.

today was okay. I really hope the pictures of Saturday that turn up on Facebook are decent of me. I suspect there will be some very unflattering ones from the end of the night. and not just unflattering, but potentially really embarrassing.

this is the reason Facebook is evil. this is also the reason you shouldn't do what I do.

sigh.

I vow to not repeat that performance, that's for sure. the ridiculous thing is that I've really improved how I eat, I've been good about not drinking as much, I don't smoke much anymore, and then I act like a jerk on Saturday. AND today I got a speeding ticket in the mail from the Calgary Police Service. apparently coming home from Thanksgiving I was going 97 in an 80 zone. I never speed! I can guarantee you I didn't see the speed limit sign and I had no idea how fast to go. so, there's $110 wasted.

anyway, I'm not grumpy or anything. just, antsy. antsy in general.

yesterday my friend posted on Facebook that he'd checked the forecast and it called for alcohol, low standards, and poor decision making.

turns out he was exactly right! last night was one of those nights where being single was fun. it was sorely needed! despite the fact I am so sick of people saying this word, last night was pretty epic. totally over the top, but I regret nothing. I wear my shame like a badge of honour. Sylvain and Nine would truly be proud.

I also talked to a girl who is 7 months pregnant (and she was dressed up as the cutest bumblebee!!) and we gushed over babies. and it was nice to be excited for them, rather than feeling envious.

today I drove out to see my brother's new house that he bought. my parents were visiting him. I just about didn't go, because I was tired (I had maybe 4 hours of real sleep) and feeling like I'd been run over, but I'm glad I did. my mom and I both needed to hang out, talk, hugs and love. it was also good to see my little brother all set up with a house! he's come a long way in the last two years, that's for sure. actually, we both have.

by the way, this is the photo that I found that inspired me. I won't get it tattooed like this (too harsh), but the quote is magic.

I know I'm making progress.

I am effective at work, unlike when I was depressed and in my last job. I handed my budget in today, even though it's not finished and it's terrible. my boss then told me that mine was the hardest. sigh. ya, I know. marketing touches everyone else's stuff, and I don't know what other people are planning. my budget is impacted the most by other people. the rest can just do theirs and move on. anyway, whatever. the first draft is done, mostly, and now my boss can give me guidance.

I went to the grocery store straight after work to buy stuff for our potluck lunch tomorrow. I parked at the store and realized I'd left the recipe I needed at work. drove back to work and found out my key doesn't work in the main door. drove around to the other entrance, got my stuff, went back to the grocery store, got what I needed and was home at 6:30. I waited to cry until I got home, and even then it was just a couple of big sobs and then I was okay (until I wrote those sad posts, both of which I mostly sobbed through). in the past not eating til close to 7 and having that kind of stupid thing go wrong would have me screaming in anger.

after I blogged a bit I made my soup. doing it made me feel more pleasant. Twitter gave me some good music suggestions tonight, and following those introduced me to some pretty songs that made me feel more pleasant. (here is the one I found utterly, completely, devastatingly beautiful.) then I meditated while my soup cooked, and it felt really, really good. it was a good session.

so, I am feeling really defeated and I'm possibly depressed again. but, I am not acting out the way I have in the past. I am sober, for one. I'm dealing with things and trying to face them, rather than just distracting myself with fun or booze.

so even though I am in a really shitty place right now, and I'm feeling kind of without hope at the moment, this is actually better than I have been I guess. I think I am inching my way along, even though it mostly feels like I'm moving backwards. I know, though, that I am making progress.

I figured out my next tattoo today, actually. it will be the words replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. it's what inspired me to sign off on my work blog posts "stay curious", it's what helped me figure out that I am a "curious generalist" (which is how I describe myself in several places on the web right now), and it's because of meditation and mindfulness that the phrase actually has meaning. and meditation changed my life and saved my life.

this post hasn't been written as well as I'd like, but in lieu of great writing, I choose sleep. goodnight, internet. if you can, I'd appreciate if you could keep me in your thoughts for the next day or two. some lovingkindness. maybe a prayer if that's your thing? is lighting a candle too much? I'm just feeling really alone, but that would help.

so many babies these days. I feel like such a failure. I want kids so much it hurts.

I don't know what I'll do when my close friends start having kids. so far only distant friends have them. I reconnected with an old pal the other day. (Marc and Dixie, it's Dave from AASG. he's the reason I know you!) he has a two year old boy. I felt like such a failure detailing my life these days.... divorced, single, childless. I have a dog. it was so insignificant.

a colleague is pregnant. you couldn't pay me enough to go to her baby shower.

I dread the moment my first close friend announces a pregnancy.

I am overwhelmed, really unhappy, stressed out, kind of sick, and completely out of love with life. I am toeing the line of depression and I'm not exactly sure why.

I have stopped doing all of the usual things that get me down in the dumps. I felt myself sinking down and polished up my habits. it helped a little, but I'm still really struggling.

things just feel off.

I had a fairly boring weekend and I was mostly incredibly bummed out.

I've decided that I need to get appropriate amounts of sleep and stop drinking completely except for special occasions (like Hallowe'en!) in order to work on my mood. I was really grouchy all weekend, though. I should have meditated more. I did on Friday for 20 minutes. that was it, though.

Friday I played soccer at 9. first game of the indoor season! it was fun even though we lost. ah well. I went home, watch tv shows on my laptop, and went to sleep at 1. I could have gone out, but I didn't really want to risk drinking or wear myself out. I was also pretty tired. I think I'm getting sick.

Saturday I had rock climbing at 10am, which is relatively early on a weekend for me. it's fine if I'm not drinking, but sometimes when I'm out I can be out til 2 or 3. add booze on that and getting up at 9 can be kinda crappy. anyway, so yeah I had that until noon and then went costume shopping. I am going as Medusa for Hallowe'en, so I needed to find some snakes. I didn't, though, so I'm going to make some with wire and rolled up newspaper wrapped in green florist tape. I also have fake rubies for eyes!

after I spent a bit of time with Katie I went to my neighbours place to watch what turned out to be a pretty exciting football game. I normally don't care about football, but I'm getting into it. I didn't drink, either! just coffee. I'm glad I went, especially since it was the only friend thing I did all weekend.

I got home at 6:30, read for a while, then accompanied a friend to her first soccer game at 10pm. she's on the team affiliated with mine but doesn't know anyone on the team, and I was asked to play this game as well so it was going to be pretty good. but, we got the ref who plays Strictly By The Rules, and so I couldn't play. I have one ear piercing and two nostril piercings that can't be taken out no matter what, unless I want to go back to a piercing shop to get them put back in (small fiddly jewelry in small fiddly spaces). I was mad. the ref is a total hardass even though it's division 4 (i.e. second worst division) in rec league soccer. relax! the team manager was really sweet about it though. usually I act all mad, but this time I admitted it made me want to cry. he patted my back and said it was fine and for me not to take it too hard. that was sweet. and then a few minutes later he had to tell me to go sit in the bleachers because non-players aren't allowed on the bench. SHEESH! stupid ref. nobody else is as tough about the rules. the ref the night before let me tape my stuff (I didn't even tape all of it) but normally people just let it go. if this was serious soccer, then fine. but it's not. it's not beer league, but it's not super skillful.

I tried to find people Saturday night, but no replies. I didn't text too many, though. I wasn't sure I was up for going out anyway. one person was going to a party, but I didn't know the owner of the party. and really, I was feeling so low that hanging out in a new situation was the worst thing imaginable. I read and fell asleep on the couch at 1. got up at 2 and went to bed.

early this afternoon I went downtown to have lunch and run 2 errands. but as I was walking up to where I was going to eat lunch I realized I'd left my wallet at home. cursing, with tears in my eyes, I ran my errands and went home. I ordered pizza. I was so grumpy from hunger that I didn't even have the patience to make anything.

then I went to see Where the Wild Things Are. it was pretty good. not the best movie ever, but only really because I was kinda freaked out by all of the violent "playing". (don't worry -- I won't post any spoilers!) it makes sense that a boy's imagination is going to conjure up monsters who like to play war games and stuff, but I just kept worrying that Max was gonna get hurt. I dunno, it was kinda weird. I loved the message of the film, though. I'm exactly Carol the monster (who is really a mirror of Max, of course). I am afraid. I get my hopes up and have huge expectations, and they don't measure up and so I get angry, and overall I'm just afraid of everything. and all I want is to be in a happy family, instead of being scared that everyone will leave me. I cried a few times in the film.

I tried to cheer up on my way home. and, so far it's okay. I saved my old 1998 website (last updated in 2002) from Geocities destruction (it closes tomorrow; end of an era) and I chatted with an old dear friend for a while. I then replied to a message from a guy from the online dating site. we've sent each other 2 messages each now. he seems pretty decent. so few men on that site are decent.

anyway, so I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I think I'll go meditate. I think I need it. then, I'll start a new book (finished my book club book this afternoon). oh, I folded some laundry earlier too. I should finish that, since my bed is covered in clean clothes needing to be put away. then, bed.

I'm now taking an indoor wall climbing class at work. here is me bouldering!



bouldering is climbing, usually horizontally, along a wall without any ropes and within safe falling distance of the ground. next week we graduate to actual climbing, with ropes and mega-height. can't wait!

on Thursday morning before work I attended a protest. well, it wasn't much of a protest. it was 5 people having a potluck breakfast outside of a paid breakfast.

we are in the middle of a civic election and the only public debate happening between the three mayoral candidates was during a $45 breakfast held by the local chamber of commerce. a local community group tried to organize a free debate, but our mayor said no. he said he was too busy. he said he was too busy even though he did have the time to schedule a concert announcement which the organizing committee admitted was scheduled not that long ago.

for some reason the mayor keeps getting to announce large concerts. I don't really understand that. like, does he really get credit for bringing Bon Jovi to the city? apparently. and apparently people love him for this. but, that's an aside.

at any rate, we organized a potluck and stood politely out on the sidewalk on public property eating our pastries before the organized breakfast. we didn't have signs. we didn't talk to any of the paid guests. the chamber had told us that if we pre-register, we can pay just $15 for the breakfast (the cost of the food). they also made it clear they didn't want us advertising that.

so, when the local press came around, we quietly and politely responded to their questions. we don't think that $45 for breakfast is accessible to many citizens of our city. it had nothing to do with whether or not we supported the mayor, but that we think it's wrong to not have a public, free debate.

after the press left, a woman from the venue came out to ask us to leave. we asked her some questions and chatted a while. another woman came out and asked the first if she was okay. (she claimed she was worried the first one was cold, but it seemed to me that she was worried we were causing trouble.) the first lady then told us protesters were not allowed on the property. we didn't say anything to her, but the two journalists in the group found it very interesting that protesters were not allowed on publicly-owned property. they will be writing articles about it later, to be sure.

we went inside to decide whether we'd try to attend the breakfast. one of us had pre-registered and was prepared to pay the $45. the rest of us wanted to ask the chamber to let us in for free, but because none of us expected to be let in, we weren't really prepared to attend. at that point a third woman came out and very sternly told us to leave. we were not welcome at this "private event" and she wanted us gone. the one of us that had pre-registered was granted access, and the rest of us were glared at.

it was fun and felt good to stand up for something that I believe in.

it was also disappointing to be treated like crazy protesters. we are not crazy protesters. we are all educated professionals who just wanted to listen to a debate that is going to affect our daily lives a whole heck of a lot. and hell, even if we were uneducated and jobless, we shouldn't have been treated with the amount of suspicion with which we were treated.

I've been really busy. and only about medium in mood. I have lots to say, but it's late and I'm tired. I am here, though.

I did, however, get an iPhone today! and it's fun! and I'm up late syncing it. but I should go to bed. just about done.

okay well I'm sure I've gone other times where I haven't posted in eleven days, but it's been a while I think.

life is good. mostly good. I still struggle with the same bad crappity crap that I've been struggling with for years now, but mostly I do love my life. most of the past 2 weeks have been pretty good.

work is busy, which is good, but sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. yesterday I realized that I Do A Lot. I don't have time to do everything, so I struggle with an occasional feeling of failure. I know I'm doing a good job, and I know I'm doing what I can, but there is so much more. such is the life in nonprofitland I know, but sometimes it wears on you. if only I had staff! oh I could use an assistant. depending on how much I get done tomorrow, I may have to go in this weekend to work on stuff. my first draft of a budget is due on Monday. I've never done one! and to be honest, I have a really large budget to work with! super daunting. cool, and all grownuplike, but daunting. we'll see. I've taken a vow of lunch breaks and leaving on time, since it's now become clear to me that my job will always consist of more than one person can handle and so I should at least not burn myself out, but I'm still struggling with giving myself the breaks I need.

I do love my job, though. no major complaints! I sure wish people would work together, though. that's probably my biggest complaint. so many people making things difficult because of ego. and it's sad and totally unnecessary now that the major players creating the rift are gone. my next large project, now that our new website has launched, is to improve employee relationships and communications. HUGE challenge! but I'm told by someone that would have no reason to suck up that I'm already doing a good job of it. I am, in conclusion, feeling rather satisfied by my work.

I went away for the weekend. to the mountains for camping! I took this picture:



and this picture:



and this one too:



as you can see, it was cold! but fun. totally fun. I will most definitely be going next Thanksgiving. I took other pictures too if you wanna look.

oh that reminds me I didn't get enough pumpkin pie. I am going to make some more this weekend. yum!!

I have a lot of other stuff to do this weekend too. like, yard work. and I'm going to a play tomorrow night. and Saturday I have two housewarming parties to attend.

I joined the online dating site again. again it's been mostly a waste of time. the guys I really like don't reply to my messages, and creepy gross guys think I'm rad. sigh. I sent a message tonight to a guy that looks AWESOME, but the message doesn't show up in my sent box. the sent box of this site tells you if someone has read your message or deleted it, so it's pretty important. I've sent it twice now and it's still not showing up, but I still keep getting a Message Sent notice. sigh. we'll see.

I think online dating is mostly stupid anyway. I don't really think it's fair to judge someone by their online profile, since in real life they could be phenomenal. but, I mean if someone looks really unattractive online then why would I meet them? but then Danny from Scotland, oh adorable nerdy Danny, looked atrocious online. like super uber nerd. okay he even looked kinda like that in real life too. but he was actually sweet and wonderful and knew exactly how to deal with me when I was sick and anxious, and he was so fun and smart and hilarious when I was being normal, and I miss him so much. he's been dating his girl for eight months now. I sent him a message the other day admitting I'd have flown him here this past spring if we'd both been single. he said he'd have built the plane! oh swoon.

so, Sober October hasn't been alcohol-free. it was intended to be, but instead it's just been drunkfest free. and that's not bad. I haven't had any major meltdowns, which was the whole point of it anyway. I have had lots of drinks, but I haven't been trashed and I haven't gotten more than just vaguely tipsy. but most importantly, I haven't had any major emotional meltdowns.

I have, however, had some issues with self-esteem. combine that with loneliness and the fact that I haven't had anyone with potential in my life since at least May and more like January, and I'm bummed the hell out about boys. even my single friends who totally deserve to find love have been making me feel awful because they are in new relationships. I don't blame them, and I'm genuinely happy for them, but it makes me feel like a failure.

my best friend's mom from high school tried to set me up with her cousin. he called me once and never called again. sigh. I kinda sabotaged it, but not consciously. that's frustrating too.

I did, however, buy some freaking cute new clothes! and soccer starts again soon and I hope to shed a few pounds between now and Christmas. so with regards to my appearance, at least, I am feeling okay.

y'know, I'm 31. I will be 32 in January. I always thought I'd have kids by now, since I am awesome with kids and I've wanted kids since I was a kid. it is a constant mental struggle to not freak out about that. I'm now in an elevated risk category. in 3 years I'll be high risk. I didn't think I'd be single for 3 years post-divorce, but I am, so being single for another 3 years isn't so out of the question. I am trying so hard to relax, be patient, find happiness in my solitude, but this is really, really, really damn hard.

I soldier on. I'm doing okay. but, shit, this is hard.

okay, laundry time. ciao! (big breath.)

my roommate is officially gone. yay! let the celebrations begin.

after I finish cleaning the crap out of this house, that is. it's seriously going to take weeks until all of this dog hair is gone.

man, you know my life is so different from what it used to be. Married Me and Single Me lead much different lives. obviously, but also I mean, it's kinda crazy.

I was a good wife. I really was. I was loyal, I cleaned the house, I got groceries every Sunday, I came home straight after work, I was attentive and all that stuff. I rarely went out. I had a weekly craft night with the girls while he had a weekly poker night. I was Old and Married. Smug Married. I was A Good Wife. wifely.

Single Me discovered that this town really has a phenomenal music scene! and art scene! and since Married Me lost all sorts of weight, Single Me was able to discover fashion. or at least, Not Just Tshirts And Jeans. those who knew me then and know me now still chuckle about it. or maybe just Dennie, ha!

I love Single Me. she likes to go out. she loves dancing. she tries new fashion styles. she does Things She Always Wanted To Do. she is sometimes really down on herself, which sucks, but she also puts herself WAY out there with a reasonable amount of success. she fiercely loves her city, although actually she always did. but she's active. she does stuff. she joins sports teams even though she doesn't know anyone on the team. she goes to events by herself, well, sometimes. she is a good human to her dog, all by herself. she is proactive. she is involved. she is successful in friendships and work. she gets involved in drama sometimes, and sometimes creates it, but hey that's life. single life in particular is tricky for that.

these days when I'm down, I'm really so phenomenally down. but, when I'm up I'm really so PHENOMENALLY UP! I am so glad that I had the chance to discover the things I've discovered. I'm grateful for all of this. not all the time, but for the most part I know I Have It Good.

my roommate moved/moves out this weekend. he got most of his stuff out yesterday and today I expected him to come back for the rest, plus drop off his key and get (part of) his deposit back. but he hasn't. weird. but, also good. I very much enjoyed having MY house to MYSELF. I've already invited someone to come over next week, and I hope she does. and I'm about to invite people to a giant party (second anniversary of having my house!).

today I went shopping. oh gosh Suzy Shier has such CUTE stuff! I bought two pairs of jeans at Bluenotes (dark jeans; my only other pair right now are light blue i.e. not sexy) and a pair of jeans plus two cute tops at Suzy Shier. I didn't even look at much at SS because I really have no room in my closet. one top I got is light and flowy, and the other is a cute sweater that would go over a tshirt. super cute!! once I clean out my dresser and closet I'll be going back for more. I love the stuff in the stores right now!

I am ze happy. very, very happy. I have broken Sober October several times this week already, actually, but I am not worried about it. it's not about the drinking, but the moping. and I REFUSE TO MOPE.

my high school best friend's mom called me this afternoon to set me up with her cousin. HAHAHA! he called. he's 40ish. he sounds nice on the phone. he was busy early this evening and I'm busy later, so we'll do coffee or something tomorrow. I'm not too worried. whatever will happen will happen. I'm glad she thought of me, and I really should go over and have tea with her sometime. she's a wonderful person; we lived together for 8 months when I was 18. I also know someone she might like!!

random day. happy day. oh and my laptop experienced the Blue Screen of Death (they even put on the invoice BSOD!) but a local store was able to fix it quickly and for less than $40. yay! and today I spent hours and hours sorting photos and music and backing it all up.

I am going dancing tonight. I am ready! I remember when Married Me, and actually University Me had to be dragged onto the dance floor. I like the new me better. she is more fun.

today was day 1 of no booze. I'm about to embark on Sober October, but a couple of days early.

the problem with alcohol is that it's not immediately obvious that it makes you depressed. it's not like as soon as it hits my lips, I'm down in the dumps. it happens the next day. sometimes. or sometimes not.

lately, though, it's more often than not.

even though I tried to make a commitment to not drink as much, I still had a full bottle of wine on Friday. I thought it was only 3/4 of a bottle because I drank 3 nifty cans out of a pack of 4, but today I realized that each can was 250ml, making that exactly one bottle of wine. oops.

on Saturday I declined to drink booze at supper, but still had 2 glasses of wine during after-supper drinks, plus a shot of rum at the party I attended. for a night that lasted from 5pm until after 3am, this was very good of me! but it wasn't the "no booze" I'd intended.

the other problem with alcohol, and well lots of things, is that it's something I want when I'm grumpy. (it's also something I want when I'm happy, but that's not the point tonight.) but it also contributes to my grumpiness the next day, making me remain grumpy. in a situation like this the only time I'm not grumpy, then, is when I'm actually drinking. this is clearly no way to deal with grumpiness!

so, seriously. Sober October. day one.

of course, this will be totally impossible. I will be visiting my parents at Thanksgiving (going camping with them in the mountains!) and my mom and I love to have a beer or two, and at the very least there will be Bailey's in the coffee in the mornings. sigh.

I'm going to try, though.

my grumpiness, however, should ease a ton once my roommate moves out. see, I don't usually wake up grumpy but something annoys me (usually his dog) and then bam! in the dumps. today I realized that my roommate has been living with me for 5 months, but gave notice 3 months ago. 3 months!!

anyway, wish me luck.

can someone please design a "politness app" for the iPhone? because it seems to me that if you have an iPhone, you are allowed to be as rude and obnoxious as you like.

Saturday was annoying. beyond annoying. at supper people were playing with their iPhones. after supper people were playing with their iPhones. people who don't own iPhones were playing with the iPhones of friends.

at one point someone requested "hey put on that annoying application! the one that I hate!" and then we were subjected to 20 minutes of screeching by two different phones -- one an iPhone and one an HTC Touch.

I just about walked out of the party. from 5 until after 10, all anyone talked about or thought about was their stupid iPhone.

I used to want one. badly. now I am so sick of people playing video games and Tweeting and texting and showing off their new apps and talking about their new apps and playing with new apps on their frigging iPhones that I don't know anymore.

if a night like Saturday night happens again, I'm just going to leave. if it hadn't been someone's birthday, I'd have totally left. I should have just left and caught up with people later. sigh. so obnoxious.

hello internet, I am fine today. as I always am.

today at work I was tired and puffy, but I blamed it on lack of sleep. I didn't even blame it on stress, or on personal crap, one of which I usually do. I'm pretty open about my life, and I have two colleagues in particular that I love and that I trust, but all they heard today was that I simply had sleeping problems last night. this makes me feel good.

tonight I rode my bike around the beautiful downtown of my city, putting up posters for the film festival we're having at work next week (please just google it; don't post the name or ask much here thanks!). it was lovely and I enjoyed it very much.

city hall also recently put up some sculptures, and I liked them very much. I heard that they honoured both immigrants and first nations peoples, but unfortunately I think they may have missed the mark on the first nations part. it was lumped in with the immigrant stuff, which is kind of out of whack. I reserve judgement for now. I'm not sure if I'm being too oversensitive; they were very nicely done (which is unusual for something our city would commission).

anyway, it's really phenomenal how angry I get! I don't get angry at people, just at me. it would be fascinating if it weren't so painful.

as usual I contemplate quitting drinking. as usual I try to make excuses to not stop drinking. I will now spend the next few days weighing these options:

- no booze, ever, or I mean for several weeks/months until I am much, much better and have had some peace for a bit
- only have one drink per night
- never have more than two drinks per night
- only drink to ridiculousness one night per week (i.e. a Friday or a Saturday)
- or some combination of the above such as: silly drunk once per weekend, plus one drink once per week

clearly the first one is best. maybe the second last one is okay. the second two are possible. the last one is pushing it. what it comes down to is the fact that I have to stick to one of those options that isn't the last one. if I choose the first option, how long will that last? maybe a few weeks, which is maybe not so bad. but my drinking (which isn't actually really all that fierce, except that I go out so much and so many social occasions revolve around alcohol!!) should really be more like my eating habits: something I can maintain and feel good about without feeling deprived.

anyway, I'm good now for at least a few days, if not a good week or two before I'm tempted to drink to stupidity, which is good. last night sucked balls, if you'll forgive me for saying.

now it's movie time. I have Dirty Pretty Things sitting here asking to be viewed.

I'm having another bad night. it's 1:20 as I begin writing this and my alarm clock goes at 6:30. I don't get up til 7:30 though, even though I should get up a bit sooner. either way, I need more sleep than I'll get. I will be tired, likely mopey, and tomorrow for sure my eyes will be puffy and someone will ask if I'm okay.

I have so many thoughts swirling around. I can't turn the negativity off tonight. I drank all weekend, a fair amount. Sunday evening I continued with a bottle of wine. I didn't finish it; tonight I did. 1.5 glasses, no big deal. but that meant that I drank for several days in a row.

same old story. alcohol makes me depressed. when I'm like this, I rage. I feel like an idiot for doing this over and over again.

no more alcohol, then. fine. fuck you, alcohol -- I hate you. I can't do this anymore. I am taking a serious break from drinking, even on weekends. I can't stand being thrown into these spirals anymore. done.

when I'm like this all I think about is how much I hate being alone. I miss being loved. I don't feel loved. on Saturday night a friend went on and on about how great I am. it made me feel so stupid. praise shouldn't make someone feel stupid. friends always tell me how much they adore me, but I'm still alone and lonely and unloved. lately I've been noticing how I run away from people. I don't know how to not run away. I don't know how to be open the way I need to be open if I'm going to find love. I don't know how to believe people when they say I am "great". I don't feel great. when people say that, I want to ask them then why am I alone?

my brain is really broken I think. my ego. my confidence.

a few days ago I opened up an online dating account again. tonight I deleted it. it's impossible to know someone from a few words and some fuzzy jpgs. within an hour of starting up that account I was hating the whole thing once again. I was on there for six months before and met one guy in total: Todd the Boring Guy (that is what I call him in real life; here I called him Justice Studies Boy). I ran into him on Saturday night. on Sunday I noticed he'd unfriended me from Facebook. not that it bothered me, but yeah. waste of time.

when I am like this, this is what I think: I think that I wasted my 20s being married to an emotionally abusive asshole. I've now wasted three years being depressed and angry about it. I'm still wasting time being angry about it. I worry that now I'm stuck in between everyone I know getting married, and everyone I know getting divorced. in a few years people will really hit the market; people who have been what I've been through (divorce, serious illness or death of a parent). but by then I will be so angry and bitter that they will never catch up. and they'll all have kids and won't want babies with me. and I'll have missed my chance to be pregnant. to feel life growing inside of me. to be a mom.

I married young, divorced young, and fucked up my entire dating future because of it. this is how I feel.

in the morning I won't feel that way. in the morning I will feel sheepish and tired. and in two days I will feel fine, once this post-drinking depression wears off and I've gotten enough sleep.

but I can't keep drinking. at all. even a beer. even wine, which makes me far less depressed the next day. no more.

when I am happy, I make a point of really feeling it. I try to really notice what it's like to be happy, so that when I fall into these spells I can remember to pull myself back up again. I genuinely like being happy. I am addicted to late night blog drama and depression, but I do like being happy.

it's not really that difficult to be happy. I want to stop sabotaging my happiness. I want to stop being scared that if I become happy, I might still end up alone.

I've now had two cups of warm milk. it's just about 2. I just want to sleep. I just want some peace.