I have decided to get deadly serious about losing some weight.

one of my favourite dresses doesn't fit anymore! the cute yellow daisy one I bought in England last year is now only wearable if I cover it with a sweater. I also don't really fit my jeans that well, or my capri jeans, and some tshirts are now difficult to wear because of my jiggly belly fat.

I've also been struggling with both soccer and ultimate frisbee. we've been really short of girls so I've been playing very long shifts. and not just long shifts, but entire games!! it would be so much easier to run for 75 minutes if I wasn't carrying 10 - 15 extra pounds of fat on me.

I also drank beer on both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend. and was mopey and slightly hungover on Saturday and Sunday. it sucked. I cried most of this afternoon because I was sad about being alone, and I know it had far more to do with the depressive effects of beer than it does with my actual situation.

my actual situation is this: I have a really cool job, a cute house, a devoted and fairly well-behaved dog, a car that is paid off, and friends that love me. on Saturday two of my friends stood up for me in an obvious (but not aggressive) way and I felt for the first time that My Friends Have My Back. I have known it for a while of course, but the gesture was huge and wonderful and perfectly timed.

so, no more unnecessary alcohol. no glass of wine at dinner. no beer after yardwork. just water and lots of it. I will still likely drink at giant parties, but I dunno maybe not. I'm going to a huge one on Saturday (performances! by awesome kids!) and I may just prefer to remain totally sober.

without alcohol I won't want big greasy breakfasts the morning after. cutting out booze and those breakfasts will go a long way towards losing some weight.

I also need to start planning my lunches better. and my dinners. I need to create a routine again, not just for weight loss but for my own sanity. groceries on Sunday afternoons to restock with fresh vegetables for the week! I miss that. and groceries on a regular basis will mean I won't mope around not wanting what's in my fridge, getting hungrier and grumpier.

I also need a cleaning routine. and a dog-walking routine. and meditation. these things all contribute to my happiness, and so does more consistency in general.

I am so busy these days with book club, soccer, ultimate frisbee, and festivals that I really need to plan my time better to get everything done.

so, for real this time -- I am going to be nicer to myself and lose that weight and stop moping about all "fat and lonely". ridiculous.

I've also made another big decision, but I'm not sure how deadly serious I am. I think I'm reasonably serious. we'll see.

several weeks ago I decided to give my current city 2 more years. if I am still single in 2 years, I will start looking elsewhere for work.

I've been single for just about 3 years now, and I think 5 is about as many single years as I can handle. sure, for the first 2 and a bit years I was really struggling with huge, massive things and I'm only now out of that fog. so, fair enough I didn't find someone. I wouldn't have agreed then, but I see it now.

but, this is a young-marrying town. in a couple of years I'll be 33. there are so few single guys my age right now -- can you imagine how few there will be when I'm 33? and those guys will all be divorced and bitter and angry and the last thing they'll want is marriage and kids. I don't know how much I care about the marriage part anymore (seems like a bit of a sham to me), but the kids thing is huge.

I think if I'm still single when I'm 33, I'll go somewhere that people aren't marrying at 25 and 27. somewhere like perhaps Halifax. I am not interested in Vancouver at all actually. or Toronto, although Toronto grabs me a bit more for some stupid reason. mostly the lure of cheap flights from Toronto to other places, and the proximity to several awesome friends. I won't go to Montreal since my ex is there and I was never all that comfortable there anyway somehow.

I love this city so I'm not sure how serious I am. but, I feel like if I give this place 2 good years then what else can I do? wouldn't it make sense to go somewhere that the odds are in my favour?

if it weren't for the fact that Scotland is so far away and I'd have to figure out what do with my car (sell it?) and my dog (I hate the idea of flying her anywhere), Edinburgh would clearly be my first choice.

ah well, maybe in 2 years Danny from Scotland will be single again and I can fly him here and see what happens. and in the meantime there is Friday Guy, although there is something in the universe that has declared we are not getting together for real any time soon. I offered to help with his renovations so I could hang out with him, but he isn't doing any this weekend because his grandfather had a stroke. obviously I feel bad for Friday Guy and his family and that is my first concern, but seriously -- it's probably going to be six stupid weeks before I see him again. and in seven weeks school starts. sigh. I'm so sad for him that he just keeps getting slammed again and again by life, and sad for us and whatever potential we might have. and I'm also worried that I'll push too hard, or not push hard enough, and so I'm feeling kind of helpless about it. but, I digress.

my favourite lyric from a local band goes, "it's fashionable to be single in big cities but not in small towns." so true. I live in small city, not a small town, but the mindset is still the same. I'm as guilty as anyone for buying into it, but I never expected to find myself divorced at 31.

this post is rambling but I am choosing to leave it as is. I'd like to meditate before bed and I'm running out of time this evening to do so. not meditating would make me more sad than a poorly thought out post!