story of my life. broken record. Friday Guy postponed. tonight I got to hear from someone else about how crazy he was for his last girlfriend. and now I've gone from decently confident to stupid and shattered and fragile. I don't know why they aren't together anymore, but I do know that she was in Africa from January til a couple of weeks ago. and now I wonder if he hasn't made time for me because of school (what he's told me) or if maybe they're back together or thinking of being back together. I was really excited about him, and now I'm crushed and pessimistic and frustrated.
I am so lonely. words can't express how achingly lonely I am. and as I said on Twitter just a moment ago, I do not have the self-esteem to be single.
I leave for Halifax tomorrow and it will be awesome and great! but dammit, I was so hoping for a giant hug before I left. I can't stand this. I really can't.
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I don't really know you that well, I've met you a few times and you seem like a nice person, traveled and intelligent but honestly, and I say this as a friend, your posts scream desperation and there is nothing more off putting to men. You probably already know this and are having problems processing the emotions but really FUCK MEN!! FUCK EM!! Learn the guitar and join a band or go join a martial arts group or do something to take your mind off feeling alone and more into being the strong, free independant women you totally are. Once you start to feel that way you'll have your pick of the crop, I guarantee, men want to feel like they can be looked after, supported and loved. They don't want to feel like they are there to make the other person feel better about themselves, you'll be resentful towards them if they don't fill your void of emptiness over time. It's a falacy you need a partner to be happy and I know it's easy for me to say but before I met Kaylene I was on my own path to Nirvana, I was a Vipassana meditation junkie and I met Kaylene on the internet, she was on her own path, teaching in China, had her goals and independance and I had to go.. Find a path without men.
Most men are untidy, smelly, lazy shits, you don't need that.. You make Chicken Tikka too, you should be beating them off with a shitty stick I tell ya.. You need a very special man to meet your requirements, don't go for anything less.
Just my two cents, no offense intended. We'd still like you to come over, we won't smooch I promise.
I have plenty of hobbies, I've just been alone for 2.5 years and I am getting really sick of it.
I was also stumbling drunk when I wrote that post.... and this is my place to vent, so it's not like I'm like this all the time.
anyway, I'm just frustrated. I have my own goals. I have a house, a career, a dog. I am just missing a partner. I am tired of having nobody to go to dinner with. I am tired of having sex once every 4 months, usually bad sex that is either a one night stand or something that lasts 4 weeks with maybe at most getting to have sex 3 times in there.
you've also never dated in Regina. there is like one decent guy that becomes single every few months, and I date him for 4 weeks and then he moves on to someone that he stays with indefinitely. it's the worst place ever to date. next time you and I are in a public place I'll point out all of the men in the room I've already dated. the pickin's are slim. very slim. and it also just gets really frustrating watching someone you adored be all over their new girlfriend. that's where the self-esteem part gets in the way.
My two cents: if you don't have the self-esteem to be single, you don't have the self-esteem to be in a relationship. The only difference is that in the latter there would be two people dealing with your low self-esteem instead of just one. Being in a relationship doesn't fix problems just because there are more people who have to deal with them.