just over an hour ago I said goodbye to my old dog Buddy, probably for the last time ever. he's moving to Montreal with my ex-husband, and he's almost 14. the only chance I have to see him again is if I happen to be in Montreal, which isn't out of the question but I don't have any plans for it right now.
it's also the last time I'll see my ex in a very, very long time. I'm very relieved! I never got used to running into him around town. he's such a recluse that it wasn't often, but always surprising.
I have extremely mixed feelings about today, although they lean mostly towards sadness. even though I'm glad that my ex is going to be around even less, I never wanted our marriage to end in the first place. I'm also now glad I'm not with him anymore, but he was my first love and the whole thing has been far and away more devastating that I could have ever imagined. devastating to the point that sometimes I wonder if my life has been ruined.
sigh.
I'm gonna go make some fruit salad, meditate, do some errands, and then go find some sunshine. it would be a more productive way of dealing with my sadness than my usual ways.
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I'm sorry you had to say goodbye to Buddy. But I'm glad that you're relieved, that it's a chapter closed as you say. Also, you're being WAY more productive than me today. I've spent all day indoors, moping, and cancelling plans. Fantastic.
I know I'm better off without Jason, but I still hate my life. at first it was kinda fun to rebuild and rediscover my life, but now I feel like okay, I've gotten most of my shit together now just give me someone to cuddle.
if you look at all the guys that I was involved with over the past 2.5 years, at least 50% entered into long term relationships not long after we split and are still with the new girl. it makes it easy to be really bitter.
I know it's not productive letting myself get so bitter and angry, and if I can keep meditating that should help.
I was actually feeling quite a bit better until Friday Guy decided to not reply to my email or text. I haven't seen him in a month. I've been home since Thursday and it's now Saturday and nothing. I thought we were going to hang out! I'm crushed. I don't want to keep texting and emailing with no response. I also got really drunk and blacked out briefly before I fell asleep on someone's couch last night and I have no idea how people viewed that little spectacle. so I'm pretty much feeling like shit today :(
Aw, I'm sorry about Friday Guy. It sounds vaguely reminiscent of my little dilemma that you just commented on. Oh and plus The Child seems to have fallen off the radar, which is basically fine, but also interesting because it makes me wonder if/why he went off me. I guess I can't really speculate.
I felt awful about being all aggressive at the party I went to two weeks ago. I e-mailed an apology. But ultimately I don't think it was a big deal to anyone, and plus I'm told that the hosts woke up in their pants in the garden the next day, with their heads in the flower bed. So. My point is that probably no-one will judge you for last night!
it's not really about them. it's about me. I love them all a lot.
ya, I texted some apologies today. I got an immediate "oh, no worries, I was being grumpy" which makes me feel better. (I'd fallen asleep on her couch, and she was in the next room trying to sleep but my snoring kept her awake! so she sent her boyfriend in to wake me up so she could sleep! gah. so embarrassing.) I didn't really do anything bad, just my usual falling asleep at parties shtick. but after I was woken up I mentioned how I was angry that Friday Guy hadn't texted yet, and so a friend got all feeling sorry for me. which is sweet, but I really wished I just hadn't said anything. and now I'm not sure what exactly I said, hence the grumpiness.
I've had to apologize to this group of friends a lot in the past six months about my drinking. well, at least a couple of times anyway. I guess I should learn to drink less. I mean duh, but damn it I am bad at knowing my limits! I get carried away. I even had a water bottle with me last night so that I wouldn't get carried away! oh sigh.
A year or two ago I was thinking about cutting down my drinking. I even got a workbook (which I haven't opened, but at least I know where it is!) and signed up for a course or whatever, which was subsequently cancelled due to lack of interest (hello, Scotland). And since then I haven't done anything much about it; I've stopped worrying about my drinking, for the most part, which may not be indicative of anything much at all. The only thing is that I am making more of an effort to drink cider rather than wine sometimes, because wine just gets me trashed.
two of my friends that devastatingly moved away 2 years ago will be back in a month! and another friend that moved away more like 4 years ago will be back soon too. and another friend that moved to Glasgow for the year (I'd have introduced you, but I'm pretty sure you'd hate him! ha) will be back in a month as well. so, for once I'm not whining about friends moving away! it's refreshing :)
but seriously, I feel really broken. if it's true that I won't find someone until I'm fine with being alone, then I don't know how I'll do it. because I'm not fine with being alone and can only muster being fine for at most a few weeks at a time. and the more time passes, the more terrified I am that this is it. I'm going to be alone.