sometimes I feel like I'm closer to figuring my stuff out, and then other times I feel even further away than I ever have been.

I have been quite productive around the house lately, which is good. I'm slowly plowing through all of the things on my to do list. today I got a giant new bookcase for my living room, which means I still have the other set of shelves to put stuff on too. that means I can start getting my clutter sorted out as well. I have so many piles of papers and things laying around, relatively neatly, but completely disorganized. I also have a lot of things to fix around the house and yard. stuff like I have several bicycles that need to be fixed, I have a leaky pipe in the basement -- I'm slowly getting all that stuff done too.

I had a chat with my roommate about the cleaning schedule of the backyard dog poo, and it went fine. his dog also peed on the living room floor today which of course made me super angry (she did it right in front of me), but it also spurred him on to wash the floor. I think we're working stuff like that out. earlier today, before he swept and mopped, I was thinking of asking them to leave at the end of July, but now I'll just wait. I should be more patient with Nora; she's just a puppy. and I never set out any rules for Nick, so I should be more patient with him too.

I'm also quite serious that I'd like to lose weight, eat more healthy, take up jogging again seriously, and stop drinking quite so much. I know those will make me feel much better. a lot of my self esteem issues come from my body issues. I know I'm not "fat", but I feel fat. plus I have gained weight over the past few months, so I really do have reason to be concerned about that; my clothes don't fit as well anymore. other self esteem issues arise out of what I do and say when I'm drinking full out. I'm not a quiet drunk, that's for sure.

I feel like I've got more and more of an understanding of what I need to do to feel okay about being single, and I'm for the most part doing it, but my bitterness is growing. and when it rears it's head, I am so far away from okay. I'm on a giant see-saw most days, most weeks. I'm no longer actually depressed and I was really looking forward to greeting the summer with my new attitude. but, it's been a total bust in terms of boys. I got more action when I was crazy -- what kind of statement is that? it scares me. I feel like I'm making real progress in so many areas, and yet I feel like almost 3 years of singlehood is really damaging me.

I think I've come a really long way since this whole crazy part of my life began. I need to remind myself of that. I have been through a lot: in the past three years I've gone through a divorce, watched my dad survive a stem cell transplant and beat cancer, and watched a close friend deal with the aftermath of jumping out of a burning house and breaking her back and losing her pets.

and I've learned so much from all of that, like what forgiveness really means. and I know my family much better, and I know myself better because of that. and I know what depression is like and I have much more compassion for people struggling with it.

I'm headed in a better direction than I ever have been before. if I could only learn how to deal with the loneliness, and deal with the idea that having kids is still far away for me, I'd be in a pretty good spot right now.

I never expected that being an adult would be so hard. I really had no idea.